Timing is everything...

Things happen in our lives which cause us to have to make large decisions that will affect everything and everyone in our lives.  God chooses the timing of these events and then we need to choose the timing of when to make the responsive decisions to such events.  I have had a lot of events happen in my life this year.  I have had to make a lot of decisions due to these events.  And all of these events and decisions have changed who I am, what I believe, and how I look at the world in general.  But my basic beliefs are the same.  I've always been a good person, without trying.  I see the good in people, the good in the situations at hand, the optimistic point of view.  That core is still inside me, and will always be there.  I will always take in a friend in need if I feel that friend will pull him/her self out of spot they are in.  I will always try to make my marriage work, as everyone makes bad decisions and I know I'm not perfect (close to it, but not quite there yet, lol).  I will always uphold the rules I've set for my children and continue to raise them to be good hearted, polite and smart.  But some of the things that have happened this year have made me see the world much differently than I did before 2011.  The death of my mother took a toll on me, and although I looked like I held it together in public, in my bedroom, the bathtub and my car I have had a hard time.  My mom saw angels in her last 24 hours of life.  She wasn't afraid to go, she just didn't want to leave here.  She lived a hard life, most of which I don't think she was really happy.  She started praying a lot when her 5th husband died.  She found love again and spent the last 10 years of her life with him.  When she was diagnosed with cancer she really leaned on God.  And although she was sad, she also may have been the happiest I've ever seen her.  She never got mad about the fact that she was dying.  Because of this, I see death and life differently.

When I lost my job I didn't feel helpless or like I'd been screwed over.  I looked at it as an opportunity to start my career as an interior designer.  Little did I know that finding that job would bring out a side of me that I didn't even know was there.  And little did I know that this side of me would cause serious issues in my marriage.  This year has been roughest on my marriage.  But as I was showing more confidence and happiness with myself, my husband didn't like the change.  Anyway, things came out in arguments that made me realize everything I thought my life was, my marriage was, it wasn't.  And now, I look at it so differently than I ever have before.  And that scares me.  Scares me a lot because I have no idea what the next step is, and I've always known what the next step is.  I do know, I'll keep working to make it right. 

I've been in pain all year, actually for a few years now, due to my uterus and right ovary.  I had a hysterectomy scheduled for September but due to my mom's condition I cancelled the surgery and rescheduled it for a week before Christmas.  My work schedule really only allowed for that week.  Just another decision I had to make because of an event that I had no control over.  This is what I do, I make changes, new plans, new ideas to fix whatever needs to be fixed.  It's how I function and how I get by.  It must be how I stay happy.  Although I must say, this is the first year since 2001/2002 that I have not been happy.  Now, I've had happy times this year.  Brickyard, weddings (one wedding in particular), weekends with friends and great bands, and one really great weekend in Chicago with my husband.  But I've spent most of the year sad, mad and upset about the events and happenings that I had no control over that it's really hindered my happiness. 

Hopefully, the events of 2012 will be more upbeat.  Hopefully I won't have to make major decisions based on things I have no control over.  Hopefully I'll make the right decisions that will only make me and the people around me better, and happier.  Hopefully, no one looks down on me or is upset with me because of the decisions I've made in 2011.  Especially here at the end of the year.  I've made great friends this year, and grown closer with family members.  I really hope that the changes in myself haven't hindered their visions of me.  I hope that the changes of myself haven't hindered the MY visions of me.  So, goodbye 2011.  I'll always remember you as the year I lost my job, my mom, my dog and my uterus. 

Emotional Rollercoster of a Year

Well, here we are in the last week of what is probably the crappiest year of my life.  I lost my job, my mom, my dog, my uterus and the year took a beating out on my marriage.  But I gained great friends, a great new career and a college degree.  Ups and downs.  Tears and laughs.  But I must say I can't wait for this last week to be over with and a new year to start.  I know that the start of a new year doesn't bring new joys or make the bad go away, but I can hope right? 

My daughter turned 13 today.  She has a boyfriend of 2 months now and she likes him a lot.  She is finally becoming comfortable with growing up.  She started her period the same day I was having my hysterectomy.  How strange is that?  Of course she has an attitude from hell, but she's also talked to me more in the past 2 months than she has in a year.  She has lots of questions about the feelings she has for her boyfriend.  Half of me wants to tell her to run in the opposite direction every time he talks to her and the other wants to embrace her new maturity level.  Of course I go for the later and push the "run" idea to the back of my mind. 

My son is very concerned about me and my surgery.  He asked me if I only had one abdomen now.  So I explained to him that I have 1 ovary and no uterus.  And then had to explain to him that boys don't have those organs and such.  Then he says "oh yea, we talked about that in sex ed this year."  Glad to know he was paying attention.

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with myself since I won't have class anymore.  6 years, non stop, at least twice a week I was driving up to the north side for classes.  Now I don't have to do that anymore.  I can officially call myself an interior designer.  Now, if I can just find some clients...

Not the same person anymore...

I have changed.  Actually, I have changed a lot over the past 15 years.  If you knew me in high school, then you know I'm not the same person.  I use to be very optimistic and naive.  Most of the time people liked my innocence.  And sometimes people would take advantage of it.  Like when I was working for a certain shoe store (did you expect that my first job would be anywhere else?  That's one thing that hasn't changed, my love for shoes.), and my co-workers would leave messes knowing I would clean it up and not say anything.  Or my boss would assume I would just take care of the things that he didn't, like paperwork.  But I think for the most part, at that time in my life, people liked me because I was nice and good and probably made them feel smart.  Then I got married and had a child and I changed.  Having a baby makes you see the world in a completely different way.  Then, I moved, a lot, all for my husband's career.  He made the money and I took care of the family, so we took every promotion that came our way.  But one move didn't go so well and I was blind sided by life.  Lots of bad things happened and I wasn't ready for any of those things because I assumed that my perfect world would always be perfect.  I was wrong.  So, my optimism went away and I only saw the negative things in life.  I was mad at everything.  I was on anti-depressants.  Then one day, I was drying off after getting out of the shower and looking at my size 2 body in the mirror I got mad at myself because I didn't like who I had become.  I didn't have any friends because I didn't trust anyone.  I just got up everyday and did what I had to do so I could go back to bed that night.  I decided I didn't want to be like that anymore, so I made some changes.  And after 4 more years, finally got to a place where I liked myself and had friends and enjoyed my kids and my husband.  I had fully forgiven the world for dropping a bomb on me.  And that's where I've been for the past couple of years or so.  Very happy for the most part. 

But this year has been rough.  I lost my job and my mom.  My daughter is going through puberty and doesn't like me much.  I've missed most of my son's baseball and football games because of my new career.  I do however, LOVE my new career.  It is what I've been going to school for 6 years to do.  But it has caused some issues in my life because of the changes a new career brings.  And this week I had another bomb dropped on me.  I once again assumed that my perfect world couldn't be disrupted.  I had handled losing my job by finding a new job in just 5 weeks.  I've handled losing my mom pretty well for the most part.  And I've adjusted to my husband taking over with the kids.  So, I figured the worst was behind me and I would work through the rest.  But not everyone feels the same way.  And sometimes it only takes one comment to break you.  I am broken.  I've recovered in the past from being broken by something someone else did or said.  Not sure that's going to happen this time. 

When someone says something so hurtful that it crushes you, how do you come out of that?  I'm not going to reveal who said what to me, but I don't know that I've ever had anything so mean said to me before.  And I'm second guessing things.  Is this person right by what they said?  Are these changes in my life right at this point in time?  Should I just be mad at this person, and maybe not even be friends with them anymore?  Or should I hold my ground because of how hard I've worked to get where I am?  But most of all, what do you do when someone you trust hurts you so badly?  Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will ALWAYS hurt you.  And change you. 

Dealing with it all...

Well, my shopping addiction is back.  I know, addictions never really go away, but mine was somewhat under control.  I was at a point where if I went to the store to get a gallon of milk I only came out spending $20 instead of $120.  But apparently I deal with the death of a loved one by spending money.  I have no real justification for these actions.  In the past, when I would over shop a little, I always had justification.  I would always save more than I spent, or only really pick up things we "needed" at the grocery store.  But I now have 2 dresses to 1 wedding, more shoes (they are my weakness), and I had a blast buying things for a bachelorette party I'm hosting this weekend.  Ok, the party stuff was needed but the 2nd dress?  What?  Am I planning on having a costume change after the ceremony?  Actually, that's not a bad idea as one dress is formal and one is more of a party dress.  And this reception will be one heck of a party.  Back on track....shopping....I've been shopping everyday I've had off since my mom died.  It usually makes me feel better, but not so much this week.  Being in mourning sucks.  Cancer sucks. 

My mom passed away on Sunday, September 25, 2011.  When I left her house, after acting like a crazy person trying to find pictures for the photo boards for the funeral, the first song playing in my car was "Stay or Leave".  The words go:

"stay or leave I want you not to go but you should,
 it was good as good goes,
stay or leave I want you not to go but you did,
so what to do,
with the rest of the day's afternoon,
isn't it strange how we change everything we did,
did I do all that I should,
that I could of done."

And that pretty much sums up how I was feeling about my mom dying that morning.  She left between 7:30 and 8:00am and I left her house around 1pm.  So, it was strange that this song was just playing in my car when I left her house.  Strange because I don't remember changing the stereo from radio to CD.  Also strange because that song is the 3rd song on the CD.  Hummm...  another odd radio story...when my mom called me to tell me the doc said she had 2 to 4 months left, after I got off the phone with her, Let it Be by the Beatles came on the radio.  The Lord works in mysterious ways!?!

If you are wondering if I'm doing alright, then the answer is yes, I am.  I'm keeping busy with work, the kids, and shopping.  My sales are up at work and we are only 5 days into the month.  Hopefully that trend will continue.  I do seem to cry about stupid things, but I think that is just because I'm not crying about the big things.  My family and friends are fantastic.  I can't begin to express enough thanks for all they've done for me.  Whether it's keeping the kids for a night or just drinking a glass of wine with me, they are helping me get through a very rough time.  And they are doing a very good job of it too.  Even my co-workers are helping me and they probably don't even know it either.  But by not asking me how I'm doing every 5 minutes, they really are helping get through a work day.  We all deal with things in different ways, I cry in my own time, crack jokes when the time is right, and shop.  I think I'm going to have a hard time during the holidays, but there will be lots of shopping to do at that time so I'm sure I'll get through it alright.

Keep it together, man!

I know the actual quote is "Get it together, man!" and it's from some movie that I can't remember right now.  Probably a Leslie Nelson movie as that seems to be how I'm remembering it.  Yes, I think it may even be Airplane, but I'm not positive.  Side note...Airplane is a great movie and if you haven't seen it  then you must rent it, or download it, and watch it right away.  Back on track...when I think about the things going on in my life right now, (i.e. mom is dying, finishing school, working 42 + hours a week, feeling guilty because I'm not home enough to help out around the house and Eric has taken over those main task, missing football games and gymnastics practices, gaining weight, lack of sleep, and so on and so on), you would think that I would be falling apart.  But I'm not, I seem to be holding it all together alright.  But I do wonder where my breaking point is and when it will hit.  And what will happen when it hits.  Am I the type of person that will not eat or the type of person that will eat everything in sight?  Am I the type of person that will crawl in bed and not get out until someone makes me or the type of person that will get in my car and drive far, far away?  And what will be my breaking point?  Will it be when my mom dies or will it be when something small happens.  I'm so afraid I'm just going to go off on some client at work one day because they disagree with everything I say, or worse, tell me I'm wrong.  Don't come into my showroom and tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about.  I've been in school for this crap for 6 years.  I will have a degree specializing in interior design in 3 months.  And, I don't talk about things that I don't know.  If you are ever in a conversation with me and I'm not talking, it's because I don't know what you are talking about and have nothing to contribute.  I may however, just because I like to talk, ask you some questions so I can learn more about what you are talking about.  Sorry, I got side tracked again.

My point is...I'm scared and yet I'm not quite freaking out about it yet.  I'm worried and yet it's not showing as much as it should be (well, I do think it's showing in my face some).  I'm tired, but I still get out of bed every morning and go throughout my day as if nothing is wrong.  I'm sad, but I don't cry all the time.  These are not normal reactions to such emotions, therefore, at some point, it would seem that I will fall apart.  That I will have a nervous break down.  And I wonder if it will be a full blown nervous break down, or just a panic attack.  I've only had one panic attack and frankly, I don't want another one.

Shut down...

I wrote a really long blog titled "Waiting".  It was all about my mom and how strange it is waiting for her to die.  I was almost done, one sentence to go and my computer just shut off.  I was mad, then I thought "how funny the way God works".  For some reason, God didn't want that blog to be posted.  And so now it won't.  And this is all your gonna get tonight.  I'm sad, I'm stressed, I'm frusterated.  But most of all I'm just trying to stay strong enough to get through each day with a smile. 

Really, I mean...Really

I know that we all have crappy days.  I know that I have had a ton of crappy days.  Hell, I've had some crappy years.  But why is it that we can't have a day where just one thing goes wrong?  Why does it always have to be a multi-bad things happening day?  Today was one of those days.  I should have known it was going to be like that when my cat scratched my ankle when I was going up the stairs this morning.  She always runs up the stairs with me, and down the stairs with me, and back up the stairs with me.  And she has never actually scratched at my legs when she does this morning routine.  But for some reason this morning, she must have been mad at me for something, because she got me good right at my ankle and it bled.  Next up for the things that can go wrong...some guy cut me off while I was on my way to work, so of course I honked my horn because I almost rear ended him.  And that jack-ass flipped me the bird.  Really?  You cut me off then give me the finger? 
I thought the day was looking up when I had a great house call for design services.  The client came into the showroom a couple hours after I left her house and spent $3300.  Not to shabby.  But wait....I then had a $1500 return.  In commission sales, you have to take the returns off the sales.  So, I lost the $1500 in sales for the day and month.  But wait, that's not all.  My grandma called me (because my mom couldn't) to tell me that my mom went to the doctor today and the doc said there isn't anything else they can do for her, she has 2 to 4 months.  After some time passed, I called mom.  She seemed alright for the most part, but she told me hospice is coming out on Tuesday.  Really?  Tuesday.  Why are they coming out on Tuesday if the doctors are saying 2 to 4 months? 
So, here I am at work trying to get a grasp on everything when I get a text from my husband that Dylan's football coach has moved him from running back to center.  What the hell?  How do you train a 10 year old in one position for 3 weeks then change such position 3 days before the first game?  How do you move the fasted kid on your team who ran the most yards during the scrimmage game to a position that he's way to small for and has no idea how to play?  I was not happy.  Then I get a text from Eric saying that the coach moved him to a defense position.  Great, he has no idea what to do on defense because he's only been playing the running back position.  Now, I'm the type of person that can handle the really bad news that people give you.  I stay strong in the tough situations.  But while I'm being strong in the really bad stuff, the little things are what set me off.  It's a damn good thing that I wasn't at that practice, because I would have been going off the coaches.  The good news is that Eric did say something to the coaches after practice and they are going to play him as running back and as a defensive end.  So, I guess we'll see on Saturday at the first game how well he does.
I'm not sure how the next few weeks are going to go.  So excuse me if I am crabby, bitchy, winey or just plain out of it.  There are a lot of details my sibblings and I have to deal with before my mom passes, plus I'm working 49 hours a week and have 2 classes that I must pass so I can graduate in December.  If I snap at you, I'm sorry.  I don't mean it at all.  If I lose my poise, I'm sorry.  And if you see me at the grocery store in pajama pants and flip flops, well, you'll never see me at the grocery store in pajama pants and flip flops.  I don't even own a pair of flip flops.  Anyway, just ignore me until...well...I don't have a time frame for when I might be back to myself.  I just hope that my next bad day isn't one thing after another.  And I hope that your next bad day isn't one thing after another.  Sorry this one's not funny...maybe next time.

Worst feeling ever...

Today I had the worst feeling ever.  How did this occur, you may ask.  Well, I'll tell you.  I woke up this morning thinking I would take the kids to the pool.  Then I thought it might be nice to take them to the fair instead.  So, after some discussion, we chose to go to the fair.  Only, we didn't make it to the fair.  Here's the story...

The plan for the day was to get Dylan's physical done, get the kids hair cut, then go to the fair for a few hours and end the day with Dylan's first scrimmage football game.  It was suppose to be another great day after a great weekend.  But when we went to the clinic to get Dylan's physical, the nurse practitioner said he had a heart murmur and she couldn't complete the physical.  She said that we needed to make an appointment with his doctor.  Now, this is not good news.  It was even worse news because she said all of this in front of Dylan.  So, as we are walking out of the place and I'm trying to grasp what I was just told...Dylan is crying thinking there is something really wrong with his heart.  Of course we get in the car and I called the doctor's office and they said they couldn't get him in until next Tuesday.  Now I don't know how you handle things, but my heart was still in my stomach from the initial news that there may be something wrong with my sweet son, so I was not so nice on the phone.  I told the receptionist that I really needed to get him in sooner than that because there could be something wrong and I didn't want to wait a week to find out what we could do about it.  She put me on hold and then came back only to say she couldn't get me in until next Tuesday.  After calling Lisa and asking "what do I do?", she said to take him to St. Francis prompt med and get a second opinion.  So I did.  And what do you know, prompt med does full physicals for $40.  The doctor did the physical and said Dylan is in perfect condition besides his eye sight, which we already knew about that issue since he's been in bi-focals since he was 5. 

If you have children, and have ever gotten bad news about their health, then you know the feeling I had today.  It drains you.  And I was trying so hard not to cry or get upset in front of the kids, but all I wanted to do was hold Dylan and cry.  Thank God that nurse was wrong.  Who knows what condition I'd be in right now if the doctor said there was something wrong with his heart.  I surly wouldn't be blogging.

Needless to say, we didn't make it to the fair.  By the time we got done with all the doctor stuff, we only had a couple of hours before we had to be home to get ready for his game.  So, we went to the mall and got slushies and shopped a little for school clothes.  Dylan did well in his practice game.  He got to carry the ball a lot and got the most yards of any player on the team.  He's such a cute little running back.

Party at the Track!

It was the best weekend at the track for the Brickyard 400.  I showed up Thursday evening, after a very busy day of work, only to find my friends and husband had already been through 2 bottles of Jager.  Now, some people would be upset that they were that far behind, or that so much alcohol had been drank already, leaving less for me.  But not me, I was not worried because I knew there were still 4 bottles of Jager left, plus my bottle of Amaretto.  Oh, and the Bacardi soaked fruit.  Of course I had to drink rather quickly to get caught up.  A couple of hours in and you never would have known that I had to catch up.  Then, a few more friends showed up and a few friends passed out.  The 4 of us that stayed awake were up until 6 or so in the morning.  We just asked questions and answered them, and it was the most fun I've had in a while with my friends.  I wish those who had passed out would have stayed awake.  I'd really like to know what kind of Animal they think they'd be.  I have to say I don't really remember Friday, I think I slept most of the day.  But Friday night I played gin with the boys and it was a nice time. 

Saturday we all wore the shirts we had made.  They all look the same, big Hello name tags on the front and the back says "All Drinks, No Drama".  Although the name tags are all the same, they all say something different.  Mine says "Hello...I'm Awesome".  They were a huge hit.  Everyone at the track was saying how much they loved them and then they would come up with their own saying as if they were wearing a name tag.  I must say it will be hard to come up with something better than this year's shirts.  But I have a year to think of something fantastic, and I'm sure I will. 

The race was great.  I always get motion sickness watching those cars go around the track so fast.  But I still have a great time.  We take Dylan to the race with us and I get such a kick out of watching him and Eric watch the race.  They both get so excited I forget which one is the kid (see picture above). 

It was the best weekend with my friends, and a much needed one as well.  I absolutely can't wait until next year!

What my sister thinks of me...

I got this text from my sister the other day "Read my blog, it's for you".  So, of course I read it right away...or sometime within the next couple of days.  Actually, I did read it as soon as I got home and on the computer.  Here is what she had to say about me:

"Kellie is the most trustworthy person I know. I could trust her with the world! She knows what its like to be betrayed and have someone break trust so she knows not to do it, especially to her baby sister =). She may not know this yet but she will someday be my matron of honor. She may cry at the drop of a hat, literally, she might cry if she drops her hat, lol but that's only because she has such a big heart it makes her sensitive. She has a wonderful personality and knows how to take a joke. I'll never forget when I was kissing an old boyfriend one day, she screamed from about 20 ft away "GET OFF MY SISTER" haha she started to laugh at herself and I began to laugh, too! The guy was thrown off but we thought it was funny! She doesn't take people for granted, and when it comes to family, she knows how important people are. Her friends she treats as family and is always honest with them whether its saying "you need a new outfit" or "you are beautiful" or "you only go back to him bc you know he will leave so you already know the end result". And her laugh can brighten a room! She knows humor and loves more than hates. She is more than great! She is a down to earth, funny, beautiful, smart woman! And did i mention she has great style!!!! She struts as she walks like she is a movie star!! I'm lucky to have a sister as great as her!!! Love ya Kellie!!!"

Boy do I have her fooled.  HAHAHAHA!  Just kidding.  Truth is, she knows me all to well.  And I wish I could say I know her just as well, but I don't know her as well as I use too.  I do know that she is the most beautiful person I know.  She has this perfect body and she doesn't even have to work for it.  She enjoys trying new things but also likes the comfort of home.  She is still finding her way in life, who she wants to be with forever, what she wants to do when she grows up, and a little bit of figuring out who she really is.  I've been so busy with work, kids, school and my husband that I haven't had much time for anything else.  Otherwise, I'd be hanging with Katie often, now that she can drink and all.  LOL.  This summer, Katie has been a great help to me by becoming a good friend/aunt to my daughter.  Hannah is having a tough time growing up and Katie has been giving her great advice.  Mostly she says "you know Hannah, your mom really does know what she's talking about."  And I didn't even ask her to say that to Hannah, she just knows what to say when Hannah ask questions.  Katie and I will always be more than sisters, we will be great friends.  Love you too, Kate!

Dave, Dancing and Dirt

This past weekend, I had mulch in my panties.  I know what you’re thinking, “why would you put mulch in your panties?”  Well, I didn’t put it there.  Eric and I were at the Dave Matthews Band Caravan Music Festival in Chicago and they laid mulch for the event.  My silly ass didn’t bring a blanket to sit on so we sat on the mulch, and at 100 + degrees, mulch sticks to everything.  Somehow it got in my panties.  It was also in my hair, my sandals and the dirt was in my eyes.  But it was alright because the music made up for the issues with the heat and mulch.  We had a great time.  Friday night the band played a very unusual set, it almost seemed like they were playing at a more intimate venue.  They played songs they haven’t played in years, and Dave even pulled out the piano at one point.  He also sang a song that he “wrote that morning” about his son learning to swim.  It's called Deep and the chorus goes, “you know the feeling when you’re in too deep, and if you make it, it feels so sweet…”.  He asked if we liked it and said he’ll work on it.  I love that.  Saturday night was a regular jam session for the boys.  Always a great time.  Before DMB took the stage Saturday we saw/heard a lot of other bands.  Including The Flaming Lips, who did a copy cat version of The Dark Side of the Moon.  They inserted songs from The Wizard of Oz to make the show a little more fun.  The odd thing about this is that there was a slight sprinkle that started during the show, and then a rainbow appeared.  If we were on drugs, it would have been amazing.  But I don't do drugs and it was too hot to drink.  But it was still fun to hear them re-create the Pink Floyd show.  We also saw Dave and Tim do a set, plus O.A.R. (which if you don't know stands for Of A Revolution), Ben Folds, and many others.  I would love to go to Governor's Island in NY, NY in a couple weeks to do it all again but I can't get the time off work and we really shouldn't spend the money with the kids going back to school.  It would be nice if they were to start school with clothes that fit.  I don't want my daughter to tell her teachers that she would have pants that fit but her parents spent all their money on Dave Matthews Band music festivals and partying at the track this summer.

Speaking of the track, I'm really getting excited about the upcoming weekend camping with my friends.  Best of all, it's not really camping because we have a full size camper.  Everyone will have plenty of room to sleep and air conditioning.  And it's been promised that if the generator goes out, someone will be out to fix it within 2 hours.  No sitting around all mad about being hot and sweaty with no ice because the freezer isn't working either.  I hope I'm not getting to excited about the weekend.  Sometimes I get my hopes up thinking it's going to be all great and fantastic, and then it turns out to be crap.  Oh Wait!  That happened last year.  No repeats this year.  The weekend is what you make of it, and so far I've made mine awesome.  And the weekend at the track will be awesome as well.  

On another note, Dylan started football this week.  Everyone pray he doesn't break something...  

Summer of Partying

Well, it looks like July is going to be busy with concerts and concerts and partying.  YES!  I have been waiting for this month since February.  Dylan turns 10 on July 4th, so we are going to a party at a friends house where there will be big fireworks, good food, and fun games.  Then the 8th, 9th and 10th, Eric and I will be in Chicago for the Dave Matthews Band Caravan Music Festival.  Next up, July 17th and 18th, where our friends band, Cage the Villain, will be playing again.  That's always a fantastic time!  And the last weekend of the month we'll be "partying at the track".  It's sure to be a blast.  In between all of this I will be working my rear end off to make some money to help pay for all the festivities.  It's not cheap to have a good time when your old.  But I'll pay whatever to make my summer better than last year, and last year wasn't too shabby.  But this year there will be no drama!  Everyone can do what they want, when they want and with who they want.  If your not doing anything the last weekend in July come to lot 1-A at the track.  That's where we'll be, and all are invited.  Cage the Villain will be playing Saturday night and it's FREE!  Hope to see you there...

By the way, the new job is going well.  The drive isn't too bad and I'm really enjoying working with clients to help them space plan their homes.  It feels nice to have someone trust the choices I make when I tell them something isn't going to work like they think it is in their living room.  I get some funny clients too.  There was an 89 year old woman that came in this week and custom ordered a chair and ottoman.  It was 4 grand.  She looked at me and said "Well, I've been spending money on other people my whole life, and I won't be around much longer so I guess I better start spending it on myself.  Don't want to leave any of it to the state, right?"  I felt like I had to hold back the laugh like you do when your 2 year old says a curse word.  The people I work with have finally let me in as well and now it's like I've been there for years.  We have a good time, and I'm fitting in well.  I start my internship class in a couple of weeks, so I know I'll have the job for at least the next 3 months.  Hope I can continue to do well. 

The kids are good.  Baseball is over but football will start soon.  And gymnastics is still going well.  We had to take a break from guitar lessons because of the busy schedule.  But I'm sure we will pick it back up again soon.  OMG, I just realized I have to find time to fit in school shopping...it's never ending. 

This is my life

So, my son just got a run at his last baseball game and when he got back to the dugout he yells at me "Mom, I need a Gatorade".  As I'm getting up from the bleachers to get go purchase him one, his friend ask him "is that your step mom?"  Dylan makes a funny face and says, "No, I don't have a step mom....and I never will."  He was so serious, and I had to run to the concession stand so he didn't see or hear me laughing.  He cracks me up.

Hannah on the other hand, just drives me up the wall.  We went shopping for shorts and bathing suits a couple of weeks ago.  The first attempt was to the mall and we did not succeed at buying anything.  I was not happy.  We were standing in the middle of the mall, she's crying and I'm telling her "you have to find something today, you don't have anything that fits.  What do you plan to do all summer, just wear your bra and panties?"  I think I saw a woman laughing at us, but I didn't care.  Hannah really didn't have any shorts or a bathing suit that fit at that time.  The next attempt to buy summer clothes, we went to Target and Kohls.  This time, the opposite happened.  She tried on everything in the store.  Not kidding.  Wait for it........18 bathing suits later, we found one.  We also found 3 pairs of jean shorts and some cotton shorts.  Now, most moms might not sit and wait for their 12 year old to try on so much, but I was very patient.  And, she's so picky and moody I was just trying to get it all done while she was in a good mood.  This...is my life.  Plus the husband, job and school.  Thank goodness I have friends who like to have a good time. 

Finally!

Well, I'm finally going to get that hysterectomy I've been needing for about 3 years. (Yes, you should be laughing, that was meant to be funny, even though I'm as serious as a cow that needs to be milked).  I know, you are saying WHAT!?!  It's a partial hysterectomy.  They will remove my right ovary, which has problems creating cyst.  Probably Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome.  And they will also remove my uterus which the doctor says he's 95% sure has Adenomyosis.  This is a conditions "in which endometrail tissue, which normally lines the uterus, is present within and grows into the muscular walls of the uterus.  It isn't the same as endometriosis, although the pain feels the same."  (Thank you Mayoclinic.com). 

I must say I am super excited about this.  Yes, I'm a little nervous about surgery.  But I have been dealing with this pain for so long now it will be fabulous to not have it anymore.  I'm not even sure I know how to get through the day without popping some Advil or Motrin.  And how great will it be to be able to actually not have a period?  Since they are not removing my left ovary, my hormones shouldn't change to much.  Well, except for the first few months after surgery.  I may be a raging crazy lady for a bit, but you all love me so I know you'll except my insanity and do what you can to not leave me  

I will only be down for about a week.  This is also great news because I was a little concerned about taking off six weeks from my new job.  Which I'm sure they would say, "well Kellie, we think you're great but we're going to have to let you go since you have these issues with your uterus."  I'm glad to know that won't happen now.  I'll just take off a week in August, dope myself up, then be back to work the following Monday.   Oh joy!  I'm so glad to get this done before the end of the world on Oct. 21, 2011.  (Kidding, everyone knows the world is going to end on Dec. 21, 2012.  Didn't you see the movie?) 

Speaking of the end of the world, please pray for some friends of mine that have been affected by the outbreak of tornadoes the past few days.  So far, everyone I know is still alive but some have lost a lot and are dealing with a ton of damages.  I hope you are safe, and stay safe while mother natures tries to take control of her planet.  It seems she's very mad at us.  Maybe I should start recycling more than just my In-Style magazines.  Until next time...enjoy what you have cause you may not have it tomorrow!

Life time friends

I have a friend (I know, it's shocking) that loves me.  And I love her too.  In life we have all kinds of "friends".  We have acquaintances, which are people we know and are nice to, but wouldn't really think of as friends.  We have regular friends, which are people you like to hang out with but wouldn't loan them money (hahaha).  Actually, regular friends are those people that are in your life for a short amount of time.  Neighbors, friends of friends, people who hang out at the same bar as you, and co-workers are regular friends.  Then there are life time friends.  These are people that you know well, people who earn your friendship, people who will loan you money and not ask why they are loaning it to you.  My friend, the one I mentioned above, is a life time friend.  We have only been friends for a couple years or so.  And although I do have other life time friends [a few from high school (Cathy, Angela, Katie), and one from college (Jessica)], Lisa has become my best friend.  Now, all of these gals I know I can call at any time after not talking for months and we just pick up where we left off.  As if the time had never passed.  But right now, Lisa is who I call first.  It may be because we have a lot of the same values in life.  Family first, pay the bills and then go out, work hard for what you have, etc, etc.  But I think it is also because we can hang out together and our husbands/kids can be there too.  Thus making our relationships with our husbands and children stronger. 

I must admit, that for a few years my husband had his friends and I had mine.  We hardly ever did things together.  It was not easy.  I would sit at home so he could go out and every great once in a while, he would sit at home so I could go out.  And on even rarer occasions, we'd get a sitter and go out together, but not with any friends.  Very straining.  Now, it's different.  He still goes out with his friends and I still go out with mine.  But we also go out with OUR friends a lot.  And that has made all the difference (Robert Frost, anyone? anyone?) 

Back to my friend that loves me.  She has been very encouraging of my new job.  She doesn't think badly of my husband when I call her to vent about the stupid things he does.  She doesn't think badly of me when I talk about wanting to send my daughter to a boarding school in Switzerland.  And we have such a good time together.  I have a good time with my other life time friends as well, but I just don't hang out with them as much.  Not because I don't want to, but because our interest have changed.  And Lisa and I have a lot of the same interest right now.  We both drink wine, play cards, and drink wine.  Did I say that already?  We also both like football and Nascar.  But most of all, we like to have a good time with our families.  The other night she invited us over and the kids played while we sat on the porch and talked while drinking a tasty Moscato.  It was a great night.

I hope you all have a few life time friends.  And I hope you all are having a wonderful spring hanging out with those friends.  Summer is just around the corner, so call your friends and make your plans now!

Wow...I mean, Wow!

I really don't have much to write about, I just thought that title would get your attention and make you want to read.  I've been super duper busy.  The new job is kinda kicking my rear end, as well as helping me walk it off.  I need to get one of those step counter things so I can see how many steps I'm taking a day.  I've hit a stopping point with Weight Watchers, so the standing/walking around the showroom all day is helping the LBs fall off.  I plan on taking the kids to the pool a lot this summer, and I'd like to look super hot in my swim suit.  Maybe I should do some sit ups and/or push ups or something...

Working in Carmel is interesting...it's very different than the south side of Indy.  People either have money, or pretend to have money.  Most people are much nicer than I thought they'd be, but I have had a few clients that haven't been so kind.  And it took about a week for my co-workers to get use to me, but now they love me!  I think they were a little worried when I told them how much I love Dave Matthews Band and Nascar.  Actually, I think it was the camping for those things that gave them second thoughts.  But then I brought in cookies and M&M's one day and told them that I was planning on buying their friendship.  They laughed and said "Oh, Kellie, you really do care!"  And now they like me.  We'll see how long that last. 

That's it for now...but only because I'm going to bed.  Hopefully, I'll think of something genius to right for next time.  Until then, I hope your house isn't flooded from all the rain.  I hope your garden is looking fantastic.  And I hope your planning on having a fabulous summer!

Lost My Mind...

I've lost my mind.  Seriously, it's gone.  And I have no idea where to look for it either.  Here's the thing.  For 8 years, I've had a pretty consistent routine.  Get up, get the kids ready for school, go to work, make dinner, run kids to whichever practice or game they have that night or go to class, go to bed, get up and do it all over again the next day.  Weekends have been free for alls for the most part.  All of this while my husband works crazy retail hours or 2nd shift or 3rd shift.  Now, with this new job, and the new job's crazy hours, I can't keep anything straight.  I have worked 8 days in a row.  And they have all been 8 or 9 hour days.  I was kind of excited about this because I thought I'd learn a lot, and maybe get some good leads on clients and hopefully rack up some good sales.  But that didn't really happen.  I did learn a lot, but in all actuality, I learned so much I can't keep it all straight.  And it's jacking up my thinking with the rest of my life and responsibilities.  Last Friday, I told my boss I'd be in at 9am on Saturday because I was scheduled 9-6.  I also told my boss on Friday, that I had to go home and do homework for my Saturday morning class.  Now, how am I suppose to be at work at 9 if I have to be in I have to be at class at 9?  I proceeded to wake up at 4 in the morning because I remembered I had to be in class instead of work.  For some reason, I set the alarm for 6:30 because I was thinking I had to be in class at 8.  I got up, got ready for school, went to school, only to pull up to the school and then remember I didn't have to be there for an hour.  (arrows pointing to me with the word "crazy" attached to the end of them). 

I knew there was going to be an adjustment period for Eric and the kids (and there is, but it's mostly just the household things), but I didn't think about the fact that I would also have an adjustment period.  Just a little bit ago, I put ice cream in the fridge instead of the freezer.  I also realized that I ran the dishwasher without any dishwasher detergent.  Only that was a couple days ago, so not only did the dishes not get clean, but now there is a sink full of dishes that also have to be washed.  Yuck.

The other adjustment I have to make is not having weekends off.  Eric worked so hard for years to be able to have weekends off, and we've had that for the past couple years.  Every weekend together to do whatever we want, with or without the kids.  Now, I get one weekend off a month.  The good news is that there is more business on the weekends which means more money for me and my family.  The bad news is, less time with Eric and the kids and our friends.  How am I suppose to party with my friends if I'm at work?  How am I suppose to create amazing memories if I'm to tired to remember where the ice cream goes, let alone where I'm suppose to meet my friends to create such memories?  How am I going to finish this blog when I'm falling asleep writing it?

I have the next two days off.  I'm having lunch with friends, doing homework, going to class and cleaning my house.  Oh, and paying my bills, which is just another thing I use to do routinely.  (Note the "use to" in the last sentence.)  Now I'm paying them when I get the email that says it's due in such and such days.  AHHHHHH....  It's going to get better, right?  Mind you, I'm not really complaining...I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts on paper. 

New Shoes

I have stated before that I have a tiny shopping addiction.  I have been to the mall 4 times in less than a week.  And yes, I did buy something all 4 times.  And yes, I do have an excuse for such actions.  First, my friends and I had very big plans to go to prom on Friday and I needed things for the event.  Hair things, earrings, a corset.  And it all made the prom more fabulous!  I wore a little black dress and so did my friends.  We stopped at a downtown staple for drinks before the dance, and I must say that I love it when I get dressed up and people turn their heads as I walk by.  It makes me feel....sexy?  We had so much fun.  We drank and danced and ended the night with Taco Bell.  It was fantastic and I can't wait to do it again next year!

Today, I returned to the mall to get my husband's watch fixed and pick up a couple of DS games for the kid's Easter Baskets.  Now, yesterday my boss told me that I can't show the tattoo on my foot when I wear skirts or cropped pants.  And since I plan on wearing skirts and cropped pants all summer long, I needed new shoes that look good with skirts but cover the top of my foot.  I got three pair.  They are awesome!  I love them.  My husband hates them.  He made this rule that every time I buy a new pair of shoes I have to get rid of an old pair.  This doesn't work for me.  Shoes aren't like furniture.  You don't just get rid of the old because you bought something new.  First of all, I don't buy regular shoes.  Almost all of my shoes are 3 or 4 inch heels and are very different from any other shoes I own.  And I need them.  And second of all, shoes are the sweet part of my shopping addiction.  For example, an alcoholic has a specific kind of alcohol they drink more than other types of alcohol.  I like to buy shoes more than anything else.  Shoes also make me feel sexy.  So, when I'm out in a great pair of shoes and men turn their heads when I walk by...well, then I feel super sexy.  Even if I'm not. 

Some people like chocolate, some people like to play video games, some people like to sleep.  I like to shop, at the mall, and buy shoes.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that, do you?  Maybe it's a good thing I'm working now, I won't have as much time to just "run to the mall" anymore.  Of course, my new job is just down the street from The Fashion Mall...  Lunch break shopping, anyone?

Crack me up funny...

So, I'm playing cards yesterday and I get the following text from my daughter, "While you're out, can you please pick me up some new bras cause these are squeezing the crap out of me."  Of course I burst out laughing because it was just so funny that she would send me a text about this subject.  But wait, it gets better.  I do as she ask and pick her up 2 new bras while I'm out getting some things to make their lunches for the week.  Of course this means I was at a store where you can get bras and food, and it wasn't Wal-Mart because I really don't like Wal-Mart.  Anyway, I get home and she tries them on and they are a little big.  Now, it is very difficult to be in-between sizes on bras.  She was a 34 so I got a 36, still in a training bra.  Well, the 36 is a little big because she had the 34 on the tightest notch and the straps needed to be loosened.  She didn't need new bras, she needed to adjust the ones she already has.  So, now she has 2 bras that should fit in about 2 months or so.

But wait!  That's not all!  My son thinks his liver is in his penis.  I'm not kidding either.  We were talking about cancer on our way home from church and Dylan was asking about my mom's liver.  She has cancer in her liver but it isn't liver cancer.  So I'm explaining this to Dylan and he says "Is my liver where I think it is".  Of course I have to respond with "Where do you think your liver is", and he whispers "my penis".  He's 9 and I have no idea why he thinks his liver is in his penis.  Especially when he know girls don't have a penis.  He must have thought my moms liver is in her vagina, but I didn't ask him to find out.  I just explained to him, while I was trying not to laugh, that the liver is on the left side of abdomen, across from the stomach.  He said, "Oh, O.K." and that was it. 

As you can read, my kids keep me cracked up all the time.  And this weekend was a darn funny one.  Hope you got some laughs this weekend too!

Name Calling

Someone called me a bitch last night.  And she didn't even have the nerve to say it to my face.  That's how I know I really got under her skin.  And all I did was sit there and say nothing, I didn't even roll my eyes when she started bragging about the expensive things her husband buys her.  I didn't say anything or roll my eyes because I really don't care.  I do care, however, that I have a deep disgust for this person.  So deep that I didn't even realize how much I dislike her until she was sitting across from me.  It's been a while since I've seen this person and although I haven't personally had words with her in a while, I know that she has spoken very badly of me to many people I know.  It's all very juvenile.  So juvenile in fact, that is the whole reason I can't be friends with her anymore.  I guess I should back up a little.  She and I were very good friends for a very short time.  Long story short, we had a falling out, tried to make up, had another falling out, tried to make up, then I heard she was saying very mean things about me and my friends.  She's called me (and others) a fake bitch, two faced and weak.   Now, there are times that I can pull off being a bitch, but most of the time I'm just happy and jolly.  I'm not at all two faced, I don't talk about others behind their back.  In fact, I know she will read this blog at some point and therefore I'm not even writing about her behind her back, so take that!  And as far as being weak...yeah,  not so much.  It takes a very strong, patient person to sit across from someone who has been so mean to you over a long period of time and not say anything.  It takes a lot of poise to not give dirty looks or say anything about such person right after they step out the door.  I'm the strongest person you've ever met.  My strength comes from my core.  If I wasn't strong, I'd be divorced because I wouldn't have the strength to fight for what I believe in.  If I was weak, I be on anti-depressants because I wouldn't know how to deal with the stress of a family, work (well, looking for a job, which I found, yay me), school and finances. 

I actually feel very sorry for this person who hates me so much.  She's so negative all the time.  I can't imagine what it must be like to wake up everyday and be so pissed off at the world.  To need to have things bought for me just to make me feel better about myself.  To be so bitter that nobody wants to be your friend.  I hope I'm never like that.  I hope I always try to see both sides of the situation and find optimistic options for the resolution to the issue at hand.  That's how I am now, that's how I've always been.  When I was young it made me very naive.  Now, that I'm older, and wiser (she says as she throws her head back and laughs) I am optimistic AND realistic.  Age, marriage and children will do that to you.  And I wouldn't change it for the world.  I love my positive attitude and I hope it rubs off on the people I'm around.

On another note, I found a great job and I start next week!  I can't wait, I was just starting to get bored being off work.  Dylan's started baseball practice, Hannah's in gymnastics and then Dylan's in guitar lessons too.  So, things are getting super busy.  I hope I can keep up with the new work schedule, practices and school.  Wish me luck, or at the least pray for me.  And I'll pray for you this spring too.  I'll pray that your yard is beautiful, your family is happy and healthy, and that you enjoy every moment of every day.  And that you laugh at the names that people call you, because that is always the best response.

I'm Awesome!

Let me just say, I have the best friends in the world.  The above is a picture of a necklace that my friend Lisa got for me when she and her soon to be husband, BJ, took their daughter to RAW.  Now, how great is it that she is out with her family, sees something that made her think of me, then buys that thing?  The reason she got it for me is because last year, I'm awesome was my slogan, per say.  I made all of our friends shirts for the brickyard that said something that would fit their personality and the way they drink.  My husband's said "Drink like a champion today".  Mine said, "I don't get drunk, I get awesome".  Everyone wore them on Saturday to practice and we got many complements.  I plan on doing the same thing this year as we have already bought tickets to the race and rented the RV for camping.  I'm so excited about this upcoming weekend even though it's not for 4 full months away. 

The kids are on spring break this week and we are having a very nice time doing things around town.  Monday, we went downtown to Circle Center and shopped.  We ate lunch at Jonny Rocket's even thought I really wanted to go to Champs.  We sat at the bar and played songs from the jukebox.  Then we walked to the circle and had dessert at the Chocolate Factory.  It was yummy.  Tuesday, my sister had her twins 10 weeks early, so we went to the hospital to see her.  Don't worry, they are going to be ok as long as they don't get infections.  They were both over 3lbs, which is fantastic.  They'll be in the hospital for 10 weeks or so.  After that we went to the eye doctor.  Dylan has had glasses since he was 4, but Hannah hasn't needed them, until now.  She is near sighted and so we picked out glasses for her.  45 minutes later....she finally found a pair she likes.  They are white plastic frames.  I hope she'll still like them in 3 months.  Today, we've done nothing.  And it has been fantastic.  Tomorrow, Children's Museum and Friday we are going to the movies and then they are staying all night at the in-laws!  Of course this means I get date night with my husband.  It's not really date night though, all we ever do is go the bar and play cards.  But I don't mind, I'm not doing to badly at cards here lately.

I know it's not that funny.  I know it's not even that interesting.  But it will be nice for me to look back and read this blog and remember that I have good friends and am having a nice time with my kids on their spring break.  Oh, I also got that job!  Yay me!  I can't wait to start.  I hope I enjoy it as much as I think I will.  I also hope I make money at it as much as I hope I will.

I do not have A gun...

Why is it that I have great subjects to write about when I'm in the car, or about to fall asleep, or falling asleep in the bath tub, but when I sit down to write the blog, all idea's fly out of my head never to return again?  It's dementia.  Great, I'm in Perri-menopause and I have the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. 

With all this aging, I find myself remembering being young (even though these memories are only from 16 years ago).  One of my favorite memories came back to me this week when I was watching Wayne's World.  My best friend in high school, Cathy, (she was also my roommate after high school 'til my now husband knocked me up and I felt it was necessary to move to Ohio to be with him) and I would watch Saturday Night Live when I'd stay all night at her house, which was every weekend.  So of course we went to the movies to see Wayne's World.  I must say, this movie is one of my favorite slap happy comedies.  Even watching it the other day I was laughing so hard I had to re-wind it to catch what I had missed.  My favorite part of the movie is when Stacy gives Wayne a birthday gift (mind you it's not his birthday) and it's a gun rack.  His response is "I don't have A gun, let alone multiple guns to necessitate an entire gun rack, what am I going to do with a gun rack?" I don't know why I think that is so funny, but I do. 

Now, at this point in watching the movie, I'm reminded of how simple things make me laugh.  And I don't have to be drunk to laugh at simple things either (but a good buzz does seem to make it happen a little more often).  I laugh at things like the commercial I just saw on T.V. with the local weather man telling people "turn around, don't drown" during a flash flood.  Duh! If I see you driving through high water, I'm going to laugh at you while I call 911, idiot. 

And of course my kids make me laugh all the time.  Hannah is so literal, I can't help but laugh at the way she thinks.  Of course I don't do this in front of her, that would only hurt her feelings (which are all haywire right now anyway because she's a 12 year old girl).  But I do laugh in my mind, cause it's so funny.  For example, today she filled out a survey at school about drug use.  She came home all worked up because she had to check "yes" under "have you ever drank wine".  Now, let me tell you, she has never "drank" wine.  She has tasted wine at church with communion 3 times in her entire life.  And when I say tasted, I mean literally touched wine to her tongue, not even enough to need to swallow.  She didn't like it so I told her she didn't have to take the wine, she can just take communion.  I don't take the wine because although it's blessed as the Blood of Christ, it is 100 people drinking out of the same wine glass.  Germs, lots of germs.  Anyway, I got off subject, my kids make me laugh.  Dylan is purposefully funny, and very much likes to make you laugh.  His feelings are hurt if you don't laugh at what he says.  And he says things like "Yeah, we had to let Sanders go so we can keep Peyton, it's OK though, we'll be alright."  I know it doesn't sound funny, but remember he's nine and sometimes I think he thinks he's actually on the team.  He's just like his dad, can't wash his jersey when the Colts are on a winning streak, has to have his Colts socks on during the game, etc, etc.  If you could see him watching Nascar, you'd get enough laughs to last you the week. 

I'm about to become very busy so I hope to have a lot to write about soon.  My weekly schedule looks like this:  Monday, guitar lessons; Tuesday, baseball practice; Wednesday, gymnastics; Thursday, class; Friday, out with friends; Saturday, class/baseball game; Sunday, church/cleaning house.  And, I've been interviewing out the yin yang the past few weeks.  Hopefully I'll get a job soon, I just started to get somewhat bored.  Although, I am glad I'm not working this week cause finals are kicking my butt. 

Until next time...don't forget to laugh...at your friends, at yourself and at the stupid things that happen everyday.  Much love!

Something Big

I've decided to do something big.  I have an idea, but I need money (as everything big takes money to start).  My problem is, I know no one with money to invest.  And since you can't do anything without knowing someone first, my idea probably isn't going to happen.  I don't want to be famous, but I'd like to do something that will make me money and make me happy.  Strike that.  I'd like to do something that will make me happy and make me money.  I'd like to have a college fund for my kids before they start college.  And I'd like to have my student loans paid off before my kids start college as well.  I know I sort of did things backwards.  I got pregnant, then married, all at the age of 20.  I stayed home to raise my kids for a while, then found a job that paid well.  After being at that job for a while, I went to college.  See, it's all backwards.  And I don't regret that at all.  I'm still married and my kids are fantastic.  But being in a situation of no longer having a job and still being in school, I'm looking for something more than what I've already done.  Therefore, I'm going to do something big.  Or at least I'm going to look into it...

Funny story

It's been a busy couple of weeks for me, even though I don't have a job.  Well, a job that pays me money that is.  I've had some interviews, done a couple of jewelry shows, worked out with friends and worked on homework.  I know, none of that is funny right?  Well, today Dylan had a birthday party to go to at a certain pizza joint that has games and such.  I decided that I would take Hannah for lunch there as well instead of just dropping Dylan off.  While Hannah and I were playing games, she found a game that she won a bunch of tickets on the last time we were there.  As we walked up to the game she said something which sounded like "This game totally raped me last time we were here."  Of course I responded with "what?".  She actually said "This game totally nabbed my money the last time we were here."  How I heard raped instead of nabbed, I have no idea, but I did have to hold in a laugh because I thought it was so funny that I thought my 12 year old said such a thing.

On another note, Weight Watchers is totally working.  I'm down 7 pounds and 4 inches in my waist.  Plus inches lost in my thighs and hips.  Now, if I could just get my arms under control.  Back to yoga I guess.  I do love yoga but classes are so expensive and I'm not disaplined enough to do it everyday at home.  But I guess I'm just going to have to do it, I mean it is free on my TV.  And as I sit here watching the Victoria Secret fashion show (E! pre-Oscar red carpet show), I think "I can look like that"!  Right, maybe if I were 8" taller and a D cup.  But I'm doing my best to at least look good naked.  Yep, that's my goal, to look good naked.  Whose with me?

Super Duper

Well, Eric ended up not going to the strip club, yay me!  And he wasn't that upset about it either.  Yay me again.  We went out on Saturday night with some friends and had a fabulous time.  I got to dance a little, and it reminded me of how much I miss hitting a dance floor.  I really need to get out more.  At least more than just to the pub down the street and the mall. 

I gained a pound last week.  Probably because I was well over my points this past weekend.  But it was worth it, well worth it.  I got on the scale this morning though and have lost 2 pounds since Monday (which is my weigh in day for weight watchers).  This makes me think I'm not going through menopause but was just bloated instead.  Also, the breakdown I had seems to be just a bad episode of PMS.  I think it was just so bad because of all of the stress.  Then again, maybe it's that bad every month and I just don't notice it.  I'll have to ask somebody what they think of me during those 3 days a month.  I'm sure they will tell me the truth...

This week has been alright for me.  It's very strange not working.  I've had some interviews and I think they've gone somewhat well, but I'll have to wait to see if they call back.  And if they do call back, then I need to see if they'll offer me what I want.  I'm not going to settle for a job until I feel I have to settle for a job.  I'm worth more than just settling.  At least that's what I tell myself when I'm looking at myself in the mirror in the morning.  You know the drill, "I am somebody, I can do anything, I'm worth something, etc. etc."  It seems to be working so far, I think?

Crazy week...

It's been a crazy week.  First off, I'm breaking out like a 14 year old in mid-hormonal change.  I'm sure it's stress, but I think my boobs are getting bigger too, so maybe I'm going through puberty again.  Oh wait, puberty for adult women is menopause.  Well, that would suck if I were going through menopause at the ripe old age of 32.  But I may very well be doing just that.  Tuesday I had a slight mental breakdown.  It was uncontrollable.  I was screaming at God for not helping me out.  I'm sure I looked insane.  Then, when I left the house, I slipped on the ice (again) and just started yelling the F word like it was the only word in the English dictionary.  Then, while trying to get into the car, I slipped again.  And that was when I started crying.  Cried all the way to school.  But Wednesday, I was fine.  Actually, I was in a great mood.  And again today, great mood.  Crap.  I'm totally in menopause.  On a positive note, I guess I won't have a visit from aunt flo anymore. 

Weight Watchers is working.  I've lost 5lbs since I started the program.  And I've lost 3 inches in my waist.  I had to buy new jeans.  And, I actually found a pair that fit wonderfully.  Which, as most women know, finding jeans that fit well and make you look somewhat sexy is not easy.  That is why there are so many different styles of jeans.  So, if you want to loose some weight, join Weight Watchers cause it works.  Or at least it works for loosing 5 pounds.  I'll let you know if I loose more.

Now, on to the subject I have yet to discuss in this blog.  My husband.  He may be going to a strip club this weekend with some guy friends.  I really don't like those places and see no need for married men to go into such a place.  The whole purpose is to make you horny.  Why would a married man want to get all hornied up only to not be able to do anything about it until he gets home?  And when he gets home and sees his wife (whose had 2 children and doesn't look anything like a stripper), he'll then be turned off and decide he wants a divorce because he should be with someone who looks like a stripper.  I understand men think differently than women.  And I understand that being in a relationship for more than a year can get boring.  But going to a strip club is not the answer.  The other issue I have with this strip club thing is the money.  We only have so much, do we really want to waste it on a girl who can't or won't get a respectable job?  I hate throwing money away.  Also, my husband, in all of his excitement about going to a strip club, is going with 3 men who don't wear wedding bands.  1 isn't married at all, 1 has been married for 12 years but he and his wife don't wear rings, and 1 is engaged.  Now, the question is, will he leave his ring on?  I'm very curious to see how he is going to react to me going to a male strip club with my girl friends.  I'm really not that interested in going, but I will go just to find out how he reacts to my excitement about seeing other men, with sculpted bodies, dancing all around me.  Sometimes, marriage is just a big game. 

There are 2 days left in this week.  And I have no idea how they are going to play out.  But I'll be sure to keep you posted on the statis of my menopause, weight loss, and marriage. 

Day 2 of No Job

Here I sit, day 2 without a job, looking for a job and feeling quite down about the situation.  It doesn't help much that the entire town has shut down due to the 5" of ice that is covering everything outside.  The kids are bored out of their minds being home and inside all day.  Thank goodness for Nintendo.  Right now my daughter is quite upset with me because she wants to play outside and I said no (because my goal in life is to be the meanest mom I can be).  Actually, the ice is just barely melting, making it just slippery enough to be dangerous and the windchill is still in the teens.  And maybe I'm just a little over protective when it comes to my kids.  Unlike my neighbor, who let her kids play outside at midnight last night. 

I have this plan, and it seems to be going nowhere.  Everything today seems to be more about who you know than what you know.  What I know, is that I don't know enough people in the field of art or interior design to get a job or even an internship in such a field.  Therefore, I need to meet more people.  And now that I have the time to do so, there should be nothing stopping my plan, right?  Well, nothing but mother nature.  I could be 5 steps into my plan by now if I hadn't been stuck in my house for 3 days.

Trying to find a job online is like trying to find a shirt in your size on the $5 clearance rack.  Close to impossible.  You are looking for a job along with thousands of other people who have the same (or better) qualifications than you.  My plan is to stop in at places I would like to work and leave my resume.  Now, who knows if this will work in today's society.  15 years ago you could just stop in anywhere and fill out an application and get the job on the spot.  Not so easy today.  Today, you have to upload your resume online, fill out the application online, and follow up through email because you can't call the company directly.  Basically, it sucks. 

Hopefully, the kids will be back in school tomorrow and I can get some resumes out to some different places.  If not, then we'll just have to spend another day playing Nintendo.

Bad Year?

Well, what was a bad week has turned into a bad month.  And I fear the bad times will continue throughout the year.  I know, I know, God doesn't close a door without opening a window.  But climbing out of a window is much more difficult that walking through a door.  I mean do you really want to climb in and out of a window when there is a foot or more of snow on the ground?  And believe me, there is more than a foot of snow on my ground. 

I try to stay positive.  I try to crack jokes about losing my job, my mom having cancer and all the other crap that seems to be falling out of the sky on my head, but it doesn't stop the tears from falling on my pillow at night.  Stupid tears. 

I get through the day by knowing that it can always be worse.  I think of the tragic things that have happened to people I know and think about how no matter how bad things seem for me, they really aren't that bad at all.  I didn't just lose a child, I only lost a job.  I didn't just lose my husband, I just don't get to see him very often.  I don't have stage 4 cancer, I'm just supporting and praying for someone who does.  My house hasn't caught fire, it's just running up my electric bill because of the extra cold weather.  See, not so bad, right?

Now, off to find a job... 

What the H - E - double L

What's that saying?  When one door closes another one opens... Well, what if it's the only door?  And you've lost the key.  And you look through the peep hole to find everyone on the other side getting by just fine.  Then what? 

On Monday, I weighed in for Weight Watchers and gained 4lbs in one week and 3 days.  4 POUNDS!  IN ONE WEEK!  I think the only time I gained 4lbs in one week was when I was pregnant.  I am not pregnant.  How do you follow a plan that is working for all of your friends and fail so badly at it in the first week?  I'll weigh in again on Saturday and I hope I've lost 4lbs, but I feel like I've gained more.  And I've been under my points this week too, so we'll see.  This was the start to my week, just keep reading cause it gets better (and by better, I mean worse).

On Tuesday I talked to my mom and she will be undergoing a very aggressive chemo treatment because her cancer is spreading.  Her liver is enlarged due to the fact that the tumors are growing and she has tumors on her thyroid, but they have not confirmed if they are cancerous.  She will have a 6 hour treatment on Monday and 2 hours Tuesday and Wednesday.  I am taking Monday off work to sit with her.  She told me to bring scrabble because she likes scrabble and a book for her to read.  I'm taking Twilight because she hasn't read it yet, and I have yet to meet someone whose read it and didn't love it.  As a matter of fact, I may read it again soon too. 

That was the start of my Tuesday.  After I talked to my mom, my boss called me down to his office to tell me that they have to let me go because there isn't enough funding in the grant to keep me on and there isn't any positions open that I can be transferred. My last day will be February 1st and I have two weeks to find something new.  Yeah, so at this point I'm in shock and trying to look at it positively.  I'm thinking, well, I guess this will push me to find a job in the field I'm going to school for, interior design.  Right, just in case you haven't heard, there are no jobs in interior design unless you already have your degree and 5 years experience.  So, I start looking for admin positions because that's what I've been doing for 8 years.  If there's one thing I'm good at, it's answering the phone and typing.

And then there's Wednesday.  Had a meeting with Dylan's teacher, principal and school counselor.  It went well.  Then my friend Sheri calls me and says she thinks she has a job for me.  So, I dropped my a resume off at her place of employment.  I also sent out a few resumes online and printed about 20 off on blue paper.  Why blue?  Because if I could be a color right now, that would be the color.  But actually, I chose blue because it can't get lost in a stack of resumes they print off the computer.  Things are looking up now, but for real this time. 

But here is how I know everything is going to be alright.  And you are going to think I am crazy, and maybe I am, but everyone has something that makes them feel better.  Everyone has something that just makes them know that everything is going to be great.  For some it's seeing a rainbow, for others it's getting a phone call from they're mom at just the right time, and for others it's hearing a they're favorite song on the radio.  For me, it was getting an email from Dave Matthews Band that they will be playing 4 multi day, multi musician festivals this summer.  Now, for those of you who don't know, I am a little bit of a DMB fanatic.  Well, I love to see them live anyway.  Eric and I have been going to at least 2 shows a year since the weekend we got married.  There is just something about the way they play, the way they sound, that makes me feel so good inside.  I think going to see them reminds me of my "honeymoon" and brings back the joyous feelings I had that weekend.  So, when they announced they were not touring in 2011, Eric and I were a little upset.  Not with them, I mean they've been touring non-stop for 20 years so they need a little break.  We were upset because we didn't know what we were going to do this summer.  So, to get an email from DMB that they are going to play 4 festivals was like they handed me the key to my door and I was able to open it back up.  We will see Dave and the boys this summer and everything will be OK. 

Yes, I know, I'm a little off.  But it's alright, it works for me.  And I'm going to be alright, my door is open.

The Resolution

I have never made a New Year's resolution before.  I've never really had anything I've wanted to change.  But this year I've made my very first resolution, and it is the same as most everyone's resolution, to lose weight.  I've gained 30lbs. over the past year.  That's a lot of weight for one year! I mean, if you think about it, a pound is 1 bag of sugar at the store.  So, imagine picking up 30, 1lb bags of sugar, and adding them to your body. Yeah, a lot of weight, right?!

In my closet, I have sizes that very from smalls to extra larges because my weight has always fluctuated, and an XL at Charolette Russe is the same as a M at NY & Co (two of my favorite stores).  As of right now, my mediums from any store don't fit, which of course means there's no way in hell I can possibly get into a S.  My size 6 work pants and skirts barley fit over my hips and trying to zip them is a joke.  My size 8's still fit if I lay down to zip them.  I refuse to buy a size 10.  Not because I think a 10 is fat, because it's not at all, but because I don't want to buy new clothes when I have perfectly good clothes -and a lot of them- in my closet right now.  Also, I don't want to buy a 10 because it would mean I'm excepting the fact that I keep gaining weight and I don't mind.  I totally mind. 

So, you may be wondering how I'm planning on loosing weight.  Well, I bit the bullet and joined Weight Watchers.  It's been one week and I am loving this plan.  I have 29 points a day and I have yet to go over.  Well, that's not entirely true.  After we lost the Colts game the other night, I did do a few Jager Bombs which put me over my daily limit.  But I have 49 extra points a week, so it just took off of those points.  I track everything I eat on the new Weight Watchers website.  It's so easy and I've made it into kind of a game.  I look things up to see how many points it is and then try to figure out if it's worth having it or not.  For example, a regular cookies and cream shake from Steak and Shake is 22 points.  That is not worth it to me.  1 chocolate chip cookie from Subway is 6 points.  Also not worth it to me.  But 2 Hershey Kiss' is 1 point, so worth it.  The website also has great recipes.  I found one for chocolate chip cookies that are only 1 point each.  I made them and they are really good.  My kids couldn't tell the difference.   Last night for dinner, I grilled (on my George Forman Grill, which I haven't used in over a year), center cut pork loins and garlic bread.  I also made Lipton Chicken rice.  The whole meal was a total of 12 points.  Less than half of my daily limit and I was full after I ate.  And if I get hungry, then I can have a banana or grapes or an orange, all zero points.  It's so much easier than counting calories or fat.

I also am still doing yoga, which I love.  And I went to Zumba with my friend on Monday.  I plan on doing Zumba once a week, but we'll have to see if my schedule will allow it.  I started classes again this week too.  So bring on the stress!!! Luckily, for the next couple of months, things will be very low key.  There are no Colts games/parties to attend/have.  The holidays are over.  The weather is horrible.  I'm so glad there is nothing to do besides work, school and running the kids to practices.  I need this break, and so does my bank account, as well as my waist line. 

2010

So here is a recap of everything I did in 2010: 

Had a New Year's Eve party at my house; went to a Colts game; had a party at my house for a Colts game; had surgery; went to bar to watch Colts in the Superbowl; watched my husband cry when Colts lost the Superbowl; found out my mom has cancer; went out for St. Patrick's Day and may have drank a lot but I don't remember; went to friends house for poker party; went to the Smiley Adult Prom with friends; won my first monthly poker tournament at Bubbaz; went to the horse races for the first time; helped throw birthday party for friend; had the kids baptized; watched Kentucky Derby at friends house; watched the Indianapolis 500 from a suite at the track; turned 32 on Memorial Day; planted new rose bushes in flower garden; had birthday party at my house; took kids to Florida with extended family; went to Universal Studios; threw birthday party for friend at my house; camped out for Dave Matthews Band shows at Deer Creek; took son to Alpine Valley for his first Dave Matthews Band show as his birthday present; took kids to see fireworks; supported my husband in starting a new job; took kids to the State Fair and won 3 fish; put the fish in the pond; won a local contest for the Crown Royal race team; camped with friends for Brickyard 400; went to Crown Royal race party and lost final contest; went to Brickyard 400 and ran into brother and sister-in-law;  had falling out with friends; found out mom's cancer is stage 4; went to Wrigley Field and stood 3rd row from stage for Dave Matthews shows; hosted Colts season kick off party at my house; made up with friends; played more poker at Bubbaz; had gin party at my house; went to 3 Halloween parties dressed as a Aphrodite; helped friend throw Halloween party for kids; took kids trick or treating; had falling out with friends, again; went to a battle of the bands; went to Virgina for 2 more Dave Matthews Band shows; spent a day at a winery, bought lots of wine; hosted Thanksgiving at my house; baked first turkey, it was delicious; made ginger bread house with kids, it was also delicious; had birthday party for daughter's 12th birthday; went to 5 Christmas parties in 1 week; took a week off from work to do nothing, it was great; had New Year's Eve party at my house but ended up going to the bar anyway; went to work 7 - 3:30 Monday - Friday; went to school 2 nights a week; took my son to guitar lessons and baseball practice; took my daughter to gymnastics and piano lessons;  spent the year enjoying my friends and family and spending all my money.  What did you do in 2010?

Roses

     Universal Studios
                                       

                                 Alpine Valley DMB show, Dylan's 9th Birthday 
State Fair

Crown Royal contest piece I designed

    Halloween

Ginger Bread House

Umm..Happy New Year?

Why do we feel the need to drink on New Year's Eve?  I have a good glass of wine a couple of times a week (Thank You Oliver!), but I only drink heavily about 3 times a year.  By heavily I mean enough to make myself sick and feel like I've been hit by a truck for the next few days after drinking.  And I've been hit by a truck so I know how it feels.  How can we actually think that starting a new year with our head lying on a toilet seat -the place where we usually put our hind end- is going to make the year happy?  I will admit that I hadn't actually planned on drinking so much.  But our night didn't go as planned and by 1:00 I said "screw it, I'm drinking".  I use quotation marks because I really did say that while standing in my kitchen looking at the 15 people that I didn't invite to my house doing shots of Jager.  Ok, I did invite 4 of the 15, maybe 5, but still I wasn't planning on that many people.  In fact, I didn't think anyone was coming at all and that we were actually going to go to another party at someone else's house.  Not sure what would have been better as I didn't really want to go to this other party.  But maybe I wouldn't have drank so much had we gone somewhere else.

I do believe that if we really want our New Year to be happy we would do something we enjoy on New Year's Eve.  Now, my husband enjoys drinking so I'm sure he thinks his New Year's are always going to be good.  I enjoy being with my kids, which were at my in-law's house this year.  We always have our friends over to our house and they always bring their kids, but this year my mother-in-law called and said she wanted the kids.  After finding out that there was only one other child going to be at my house and that wasn't definite, we decided to take my in-laws up on their offer.  I will not do this again.  I really like spending the evening with my kids and my friends.  I missed them dearly this year and let myself get out of control because there was no reason not too.  I don't drink more than a glass of wine in front of my kids.  I want them to know that it's alright to have a beer or wine or even a mixed drink every once in a while, or when there is a reason.  A beer with a Colts game, a glass of wine with dinner, a cocktail when friends are over.  But there is no real reason to get drunk.  Now I know they will get drunk, but I want them to see that there are other ways to drink.  So, I don't get drunk in front of my kids.  Had they been home I wouldn't have drank like I did.  And since it's been three days since New Year's Eve and I still feel awful, I have concluded that my actions have been ridiculous and I hope it is not an indication as to how the year will actually play out.  I really don't want to be spending the next 364 days with my head in the toilet. 

Happy New Year to you ALL!