Well, my shopping addiction is back. I know, addictions never really go away, but mine was somewhat under control. I was at a point where if I went to the store to get a gallon of milk I only came out spending $20 instead of $120. But apparently I deal with the death of a loved one by spending money. I have no real justification for these actions. In the past, when I would over shop a little, I always had justification. I would always save more than I spent, or only really pick up things we "needed" at the grocery store. But I now have 2 dresses to 1 wedding, more shoes (they are my weakness), and I had a blast buying things for a bachelorette party I'm hosting this weekend. Ok, the party stuff was needed but the 2nd dress? What? Am I planning on having a costume change after the ceremony? Actually, that's not a bad idea as one dress is formal and one is more of a party dress. And this reception will be one heck of a party. Back on track....shopping....I've been shopping everyday I've had off since my mom died. It usually makes me feel better, but not so much this week. Being in mourning sucks. Cancer sucks.
My mom passed away on Sunday, September 25, 2011. When I left her house, after acting like a crazy person trying to find pictures for the photo boards for the funeral, the first song playing in my car was "Stay or Leave". The words go:
"stay or leave I want you not to go but you should,
it was good as good goes,
stay or leave I want you not to go but you did,
so what to do,
with the rest of the day's afternoon,
isn't it strange how we change everything we did,
did I do all that I should,
that I could of done."
And that pretty much sums up how I was feeling about my mom dying that morning. She left between 7:30 and 8:00am and I left her house around 1pm. So, it was strange that this song was just playing in my car when I left her house. Strange because I don't remember changing the stereo from radio to CD. Also strange because that song is the 3rd song on the CD. Hummm... another odd radio story...when my mom called me to tell me the doc said she had 2 to 4 months left, after I got off the phone with her, Let it Be by the Beatles came on the radio. The Lord works in mysterious ways!?!
If you are wondering if I'm doing alright, then the answer is yes, I am. I'm keeping busy with work, the kids, and shopping. My sales are up at work and we are only 5 days into the month. Hopefully that trend will continue. I do seem to cry about stupid things, but I think that is just because I'm not crying about the big things. My family and friends are fantastic. I can't begin to express enough thanks for all they've done for me. Whether it's keeping the kids for a night or just drinking a glass of wine with me, they are helping me get through a very rough time. And they are doing a very good job of it too. Even my co-workers are helping me and they probably don't even know it either. But by not asking me how I'm doing every 5 minutes, they really are helping get through a work day. We all deal with things in different ways, I cry in my own time, crack jokes when the time is right, and shop. I think I'm going to have a hard time during the holidays, but there will be lots of shopping to do at that time so I'm sure I'll get through it alright.
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