Well, what was a bad week has turned into a bad month. And I fear the bad times will continue throughout the year. I know, I know, God doesn't close a door without opening a window. But climbing out of a window is much more difficult that walking through a door. I mean do you really want to climb in and out of a window when there is a foot or more of snow on the ground? And believe me, there is more than a foot of snow on my ground.
I try to stay positive. I try to crack jokes about losing my job, my mom having cancer and all the other crap that seems to be falling out of the sky on my head, but it doesn't stop the tears from falling on my pillow at night. Stupid tears.
I get through the day by knowing that it can always be worse. I think of the tragic things that have happened to people I know and think about how no matter how bad things seem for me, they really aren't that bad at all. I didn't just lose a child, I only lost a job. I didn't just lose my husband, I just don't get to see him very often. I don't have stage 4 cancer, I'm just supporting and praying for someone who does. My house hasn't caught fire, it's just running up my electric bill because of the extra cold weather. See, not so bad, right?
Now, off to find a job...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
What the H - E - double L
What's that saying? When one door closes another one opens... Well, what if it's the only door? And you've lost the key. And you look through the peep hole to find everyone on the other side getting by just fine. Then what?
On Monday, I weighed in for Weight Watchers and gained 4lbs in one week and 3 days. 4 POUNDS! IN ONE WEEK! I think the only time I gained 4lbs in one week was when I was pregnant. I am not pregnant. How do you follow a plan that is working for all of your friends and fail so badly at it in the first week? I'll weigh in again on Saturday and I hope I've lost 4lbs, but I feel like I've gained more. And I've been under my points this week too, so we'll see. This was the start to my week, just keep reading cause it gets better (and by better, I mean worse).
On Tuesday I talked to my mom and she will be undergoing a very aggressive chemo treatment because her cancer is spreading. Her liver is enlarged due to the fact that the tumors are growing and she has tumors on her thyroid, but they have not confirmed if they are cancerous. She will have a 6 hour treatment on Monday and 2 hours Tuesday and Wednesday. I am taking Monday off work to sit with her. She told me to bring scrabble because she likes scrabble and a book for her to read. I'm taking Twilight because she hasn't read it yet, and I have yet to meet someone whose read it and didn't love it. As a matter of fact, I may read it again soon too.
That was the start of my Tuesday. After I talked to my mom, my boss called me down to his office to tell me that they have to let me go because there isn't enough funding in the grant to keep me on and there isn't any positions open that I can be transferred. My last day will be February 1st and I have two weeks to find something new. Yeah, so at this point I'm in shock and trying to look at it positively. I'm thinking, well, I guess this will push me to find a job in the field I'm going to school for, interior design. Right, just in case you haven't heard, there are no jobs in interior design unless you already have your degree and 5 years experience. So, I start looking for admin positions because that's what I've been doing for 8 years. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's answering the phone and typing.
And then there's Wednesday. Had a meeting with Dylan's teacher, principal and school counselor. It went well. Then my friend Sheri calls me and says she thinks she has a job for me. So, I dropped my a resume off at her place of employment. I also sent out a few resumes online and printed about 20 off on blue paper. Why blue? Because if I could be a color right now, that would be the color. But actually, I chose blue because it can't get lost in a stack of resumes they print off the computer. Things are looking up now, but for real this time.
But here is how I know everything is going to be alright. And you are going to think I am crazy, and maybe I am, but everyone has something that makes them feel better. Everyone has something that just makes them know that everything is going to be great. For some it's seeing a rainbow, for others it's getting a phone call from they're mom at just the right time, and for others it's hearing a they're favorite song on the radio. For me, it was getting an email from Dave Matthews Band that they will be playing 4 multi day, multi musician festivals this summer. Now, for those of you who don't know, I am a little bit of a DMB fanatic. Well, I love to see them live anyway. Eric and I have been going to at least 2 shows a year since the weekend we got married. There is just something about the way they play, the way they sound, that makes me feel so good inside. I think going to see them reminds me of my "honeymoon" and brings back the joyous feelings I had that weekend. So, when they announced they were not touring in 2011, Eric and I were a little upset. Not with them, I mean they've been touring non-stop for 20 years so they need a little break. We were upset because we didn't know what we were going to do this summer. So, to get an email from DMB that they are going to play 4 festivals was like they handed me the key to my door and I was able to open it back up. We will see Dave and the boys this summer and everything will be OK.
Yes, I know, I'm a little off. But it's alright, it works for me. And I'm going to be alright, my door is open.
On Monday, I weighed in for Weight Watchers and gained 4lbs in one week and 3 days. 4 POUNDS! IN ONE WEEK! I think the only time I gained 4lbs in one week was when I was pregnant. I am not pregnant. How do you follow a plan that is working for all of your friends and fail so badly at it in the first week? I'll weigh in again on Saturday and I hope I've lost 4lbs, but I feel like I've gained more. And I've been under my points this week too, so we'll see. This was the start to my week, just keep reading cause it gets better (and by better, I mean worse).
On Tuesday I talked to my mom and she will be undergoing a very aggressive chemo treatment because her cancer is spreading. Her liver is enlarged due to the fact that the tumors are growing and she has tumors on her thyroid, but they have not confirmed if they are cancerous. She will have a 6 hour treatment on Monday and 2 hours Tuesday and Wednesday. I am taking Monday off work to sit with her. She told me to bring scrabble because she likes scrabble and a book for her to read. I'm taking Twilight because she hasn't read it yet, and I have yet to meet someone whose read it and didn't love it. As a matter of fact, I may read it again soon too.
That was the start of my Tuesday. After I talked to my mom, my boss called me down to his office to tell me that they have to let me go because there isn't enough funding in the grant to keep me on and there isn't any positions open that I can be transferred. My last day will be February 1st and I have two weeks to find something new. Yeah, so at this point I'm in shock and trying to look at it positively. I'm thinking, well, I guess this will push me to find a job in the field I'm going to school for, interior design. Right, just in case you haven't heard, there are no jobs in interior design unless you already have your degree and 5 years experience. So, I start looking for admin positions because that's what I've been doing for 8 years. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's answering the phone and typing.
And then there's Wednesday. Had a meeting with Dylan's teacher, principal and school counselor. It went well. Then my friend Sheri calls me and says she thinks she has a job for me. So, I dropped my a resume off at her place of employment. I also sent out a few resumes online and printed about 20 off on blue paper. Why blue? Because if I could be a color right now, that would be the color. But actually, I chose blue because it can't get lost in a stack of resumes they print off the computer. Things are looking up now, but for real this time.
But here is how I know everything is going to be alright. And you are going to think I am crazy, and maybe I am, but everyone has something that makes them feel better. Everyone has something that just makes them know that everything is going to be great. For some it's seeing a rainbow, for others it's getting a phone call from they're mom at just the right time, and for others it's hearing a they're favorite song on the radio. For me, it was getting an email from Dave Matthews Band that they will be playing 4 multi day, multi musician festivals this summer. Now, for those of you who don't know, I am a little bit of a DMB fanatic. Well, I love to see them live anyway. Eric and I have been going to at least 2 shows a year since the weekend we got married. There is just something about the way they play, the way they sound, that makes me feel so good inside. I think going to see them reminds me of my "honeymoon" and brings back the joyous feelings I had that weekend. So, when they announced they were not touring in 2011, Eric and I were a little upset. Not with them, I mean they've been touring non-stop for 20 years so they need a little break. We were upset because we didn't know what we were going to do this summer. So, to get an email from DMB that they are going to play 4 festivals was like they handed me the key to my door and I was able to open it back up. We will see Dave and the boys this summer and everything will be OK.
Yes, I know, I'm a little off. But it's alright, it works for me. And I'm going to be alright, my door is open.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
The Resolution
I have never made a New Year's resolution before. I've never really had anything I've wanted to change. But this year I've made my very first resolution, and it is the same as most everyone's resolution, to lose weight. I've gained 30lbs. over the past year. That's a lot of weight for one year! I mean, if you think about it, a pound is 1 bag of sugar at the store. So, imagine picking up 30, 1lb bags of sugar, and adding them to your body. Yeah, a lot of weight, right?!
In my closet, I have sizes that very from smalls to extra larges because my weight has always fluctuated, and an XL at Charolette Russe is the same as a M at NY & Co (two of my favorite stores). As of right now, my mediums from any store don't fit, which of course means there's no way in hell I can possibly get into a S. My size 6 work pants and skirts barley fit over my hips and trying to zip them is a joke. My size 8's still fit if I lay down to zip them. I refuse to buy a size 10. Not because I think a 10 is fat, because it's not at all, but because I don't want to buy new clothes when I have perfectly good clothes -and a lot of them- in my closet right now. Also, I don't want to buy a 10 because it would mean I'm excepting the fact that I keep gaining weight and I don't mind. I totally mind.
So, you may be wondering how I'm planning on loosing weight. Well, I bit the bullet and joined Weight Watchers. It's been one week and I am loving this plan. I have 29 points a day and I have yet to go over. Well, that's not entirely true. After we lost the Colts game the other night, I did do a few Jager Bombs which put me over my daily limit. But I have 49 extra points a week, so it just took off of those points. I track everything I eat on the new Weight Watchers website. It's so easy and I've made it into kind of a game. I look things up to see how many points it is and then try to figure out if it's worth having it or not. For example, a regular cookies and cream shake from Steak and Shake is 22 points. That is not worth it to me. 1 chocolate chip cookie from Subway is 6 points. Also not worth it to me. But 2 Hershey Kiss' is 1 point, so worth it. The website also has great recipes. I found one for chocolate chip cookies that are only 1 point each. I made them and they are really good. My kids couldn't tell the difference. Last night for dinner, I grilled (on my George Forman Grill, which I haven't used in over a year), center cut pork loins and garlic bread. I also made Lipton Chicken rice. The whole meal was a total of 12 points. Less than half of my daily limit and I was full after I ate. And if I get hungry, then I can have a banana or grapes or an orange, all zero points. It's so much easier than counting calories or fat.
I also am still doing yoga, which I love. And I went to Zumba with my friend on Monday. I plan on doing Zumba once a week, but we'll have to see if my schedule will allow it. I started classes again this week too. So bring on the stress!!! Luckily, for the next couple of months, things will be very low key. There are no Colts games/parties to attend/have. The holidays are over. The weather is horrible. I'm so glad there is nothing to do besides work, school and running the kids to practices. I need this break, and so does my bank account, as well as my waist line.
In my closet, I have sizes that very from smalls to extra larges because my weight has always fluctuated, and an XL at Charolette Russe is the same as a M at NY & Co (two of my favorite stores). As of right now, my mediums from any store don't fit, which of course means there's no way in hell I can possibly get into a S. My size 6 work pants and skirts barley fit over my hips and trying to zip them is a joke. My size 8's still fit if I lay down to zip them. I refuse to buy a size 10. Not because I think a 10 is fat, because it's not at all, but because I don't want to buy new clothes when I have perfectly good clothes -and a lot of them- in my closet right now. Also, I don't want to buy a 10 because it would mean I'm excepting the fact that I keep gaining weight and I don't mind. I totally mind.
So, you may be wondering how I'm planning on loosing weight. Well, I bit the bullet and joined Weight Watchers. It's been one week and I am loving this plan. I have 29 points a day and I have yet to go over. Well, that's not entirely true. After we lost the Colts game the other night, I did do a few Jager Bombs which put me over my daily limit. But I have 49 extra points a week, so it just took off of those points. I track everything I eat on the new Weight Watchers website. It's so easy and I've made it into kind of a game. I look things up to see how many points it is and then try to figure out if it's worth having it or not. For example, a regular cookies and cream shake from Steak and Shake is 22 points. That is not worth it to me. 1 chocolate chip cookie from Subway is 6 points. Also not worth it to me. But 2 Hershey Kiss' is 1 point, so worth it. The website also has great recipes. I found one for chocolate chip cookies that are only 1 point each. I made them and they are really good. My kids couldn't tell the difference. Last night for dinner, I grilled (on my George Forman Grill, which I haven't used in over a year), center cut pork loins and garlic bread. I also made Lipton Chicken rice. The whole meal was a total of 12 points. Less than half of my daily limit and I was full after I ate. And if I get hungry, then I can have a banana or grapes or an orange, all zero points. It's so much easier than counting calories or fat.
I also am still doing yoga, which I love. And I went to Zumba with my friend on Monday. I plan on doing Zumba once a week, but we'll have to see if my schedule will allow it. I started classes again this week too. So bring on the stress!!! Luckily, for the next couple of months, things will be very low key. There are no Colts games/parties to attend/have. The holidays are over. The weather is horrible. I'm so glad there is nothing to do besides work, school and running the kids to practices. I need this break, and so does my bank account, as well as my waist line.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
2010
So here is a recap of everything I did in 2010:
Had a New Year's Eve party at my house; went to a Colts game; had a party at my house for a Colts game; had surgery; went to bar to watch Colts in the Superbowl; watched my husband cry when Colts lost the Superbowl; found out my mom has cancer; went out for St. Patrick's Day and may have drank a lot but I don't remember; went to friends house for poker party; went to the Smiley Adult Prom with friends; won my first monthly poker tournament at Bubbaz; went to the horse races for the first time; helped throw birthday party for friend; had the kids baptized; watched Kentucky Derby at friends house; watched the Indianapolis 500 from a suite at the track; turned 32 on Memorial Day; planted new rose bushes in flower garden; had birthday party at my house; took kids to Florida with extended family; went to Universal Studios; threw birthday party for friend at my house; camped out for Dave Matthews Band shows at Deer Creek; took son to Alpine Valley for his first Dave Matthews Band show as his birthday present; took kids to see fireworks; supported my husband in starting a new job; took kids to the State Fair and won 3 fish; put the fish in the pond; won a local contest for the Crown Royal race team; camped with friends for Brickyard 400; went to Crown Royal race party and lost final contest; went to Brickyard 400 and ran into brother and sister-in-law; had falling out with friends; found out mom's cancer is stage 4; went to Wrigley Field and stood 3rd row from stage for Dave Matthews shows; hosted Colts season kick off party at my house; made up with friends; played more poker at Bubbaz; had gin party at my house; went to 3 Halloween parties dressed as a Aphrodite; helped friend throw Halloween party for kids; took kids trick or treating; had falling out with friends, again; went to a battle of the bands; went to Virgina for 2 more Dave Matthews Band shows; spent a day at a winery, bought lots of wine; hosted Thanksgiving at my house; baked first turkey, it was delicious; made ginger bread house with kids, it was also delicious; had birthday party for daughter's 12th birthday; went to 5 Christmas parties in 1 week; took a week off from work to do nothing, it was great; had New Year's Eve party at my house but ended up going to the bar anyway; went to work 7 - 3:30 Monday - Friday; went to school 2 nights a week; took my son to guitar lessons and baseball practice; took my daughter to gymnastics and piano lessons; spent the year enjoying my friends and family and spending all my money. What did you do in 2010?
Roses
Universal Studios
Alpine Valley DMB show, Dylan's 9th Birthday 
State Fair
Crown Royal contest piece I designed
Halloween
Had a New Year's Eve party at my house; went to a Colts game; had a party at my house for a Colts game; had surgery; went to bar to watch Colts in the Superbowl; watched my husband cry when Colts lost the Superbowl; found out my mom has cancer; went out for St. Patrick's Day and may have drank a lot but I don't remember; went to friends house for poker party; went to the Smiley Adult Prom with friends; won my first monthly poker tournament at Bubbaz; went to the horse races for the first time; helped throw birthday party for friend; had the kids baptized; watched Kentucky Derby at friends house; watched the Indianapolis 500 from a suite at the track; turned 32 on Memorial Day; planted new rose bushes in flower garden; had birthday party at my house; took kids to Florida with extended family; went to Universal Studios; threw birthday party for friend at my house; camped out for Dave Matthews Band shows at Deer Creek; took son to Alpine Valley for his first Dave Matthews Band show as his birthday present; took kids to see fireworks; supported my husband in starting a new job; took kids to the State Fair and won 3 fish; put the fish in the pond; won a local contest for the Crown Royal race team; camped with friends for Brickyard 400; went to Crown Royal race party and lost final contest; went to Brickyard 400 and ran into brother and sister-in-law; had falling out with friends; found out mom's cancer is stage 4; went to Wrigley Field and stood 3rd row from stage for Dave Matthews shows; hosted Colts season kick off party at my house; made up with friends; played more poker at Bubbaz; had gin party at my house; went to 3 Halloween parties dressed as a Aphrodite; helped friend throw Halloween party for kids; took kids trick or treating; had falling out with friends, again; went to a battle of the bands; went to Virgina for 2 more Dave Matthews Band shows; spent a day at a winery, bought lots of wine; hosted Thanksgiving at my house; baked first turkey, it was delicious; made ginger bread house with kids, it was also delicious; had birthday party for daughter's 12th birthday; went to 5 Christmas parties in 1 week; took a week off from work to do nothing, it was great; had New Year's Eve party at my house but ended up going to the bar anyway; went to work 7 - 3:30 Monday - Friday; went to school 2 nights a week; took my son to guitar lessons and baseball practice; took my daughter to gymnastics and piano lessons; spent the year enjoying my friends and family and spending all my money. What did you do in 2010?
Roses
Universal Studios
State Fair
Crown Royal contest piece I designed
Halloween
Ginger Bread House
Monday, January 3, 2011
Umm..Happy New Year?
Why do we feel the need to drink on New Year's Eve? I have a good glass of wine a couple of times a week (Thank You Oliver!), but I only drink heavily about 3 times a year. By heavily I mean enough to make myself sick and feel like I've been hit by a truck for the next few days after drinking. And I've been hit by a truck so I know how it feels. How can we actually think that starting a new year with our head lying on a toilet seat -the place where we usually put our hind end- is going to make the year happy? I will admit that I hadn't actually planned on drinking so much. But our night didn't go as planned and by 1:00 I said "screw it, I'm drinking". I use quotation marks because I really did say that while standing in my kitchen looking at the 15 people that I didn't invite to my house doing shots of Jager. Ok, I did invite 4 of the 15, maybe 5, but still I wasn't planning on that many people. In fact, I didn't think anyone was coming at all and that we were actually going to go to another party at someone else's house. Not sure what would have been better as I didn't really want to go to this other party. But maybe I wouldn't have drank so much had we gone somewhere else.
I do believe that if we really want our New Year to be happy we would do something we enjoy on New Year's Eve. Now, my husband enjoys drinking so I'm sure he thinks his New Year's are always going to be good. I enjoy being with my kids, which were at my in-law's house this year. We always have our friends over to our house and they always bring their kids, but this year my mother-in-law called and said she wanted the kids. After finding out that there was only one other child going to be at my house and that wasn't definite, we decided to take my in-laws up on their offer. I will not do this again. I really like spending the evening with my kids and my friends. I missed them dearly this year and let myself get out of control because there was no reason not too. I don't drink more than a glass of wine in front of my kids. I want them to know that it's alright to have a beer or wine or even a mixed drink every once in a while, or when there is a reason. A beer with a Colts game, a glass of wine with dinner, a cocktail when friends are over. But there is no real reason to get drunk. Now I know they will get drunk, but I want them to see that there are other ways to drink. So, I don't get drunk in front of my kids. Had they been home I wouldn't have drank like I did. And since it's been three days since New Year's Eve and I still feel awful, I have concluded that my actions have been ridiculous and I hope it is not an indication as to how the year will actually play out. I really don't want to be spending the next 364 days with my head in the toilet.
Happy New Year to you ALL!
I do believe that if we really want our New Year to be happy we would do something we enjoy on New Year's Eve. Now, my husband enjoys drinking so I'm sure he thinks his New Year's are always going to be good. I enjoy being with my kids, which were at my in-law's house this year. We always have our friends over to our house and they always bring their kids, but this year my mother-in-law called and said she wanted the kids. After finding out that there was only one other child going to be at my house and that wasn't definite, we decided to take my in-laws up on their offer. I will not do this again. I really like spending the evening with my kids and my friends. I missed them dearly this year and let myself get out of control because there was no reason not too. I don't drink more than a glass of wine in front of my kids. I want them to know that it's alright to have a beer or wine or even a mixed drink every once in a while, or when there is a reason. A beer with a Colts game, a glass of wine with dinner, a cocktail when friends are over. But there is no real reason to get drunk. Now I know they will get drunk, but I want them to see that there are other ways to drink. So, I don't get drunk in front of my kids. Had they been home I wouldn't have drank like I did. And since it's been three days since New Year's Eve and I still feel awful, I have concluded that my actions have been ridiculous and I hope it is not an indication as to how the year will actually play out. I really don't want to be spending the next 364 days with my head in the toilet.
Happy New Year to you ALL!
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