Things happen in our lives which cause us to have to make large decisions that will affect everything and everyone in our lives. God chooses the timing of these events and then we need to choose the timing of when to make the responsive decisions to such events. I have had a lot of events happen in my life this year. I have had to make a lot of decisions due to these events. And all of these events and decisions have changed who I am, what I believe, and how I look at the world in general. But my basic beliefs are the same. I've always been a good person, without trying. I see the good in people, the good in the situations at hand, the optimistic point of view. That core is still inside me, and will always be there. I will always take in a friend in need if I feel that friend will pull him/her self out of spot they are in. I will always try to make my marriage work, as everyone makes bad decisions and I know I'm not perfect (close to it, but not quite there yet, lol). I will always uphold the rules I've set for my children and continue to raise them to be good hearted, polite and smart. But some of the things that have happened this year have made me see the world much differently than I did before 2011. The death of my mother took a toll on me, and although I looked like I held it together in public, in my bedroom, the bathtub and my car I have had a hard time. My mom saw angels in her last 24 hours of life. She wasn't afraid to go, she just didn't want to leave here. She lived a hard life, most of which I don't think she was really happy. She started praying a lot when her 5th husband died. She found love again and spent the last 10 years of her life with him. When she was diagnosed with cancer she really leaned on God. And although she was sad, she also may have been the happiest I've ever seen her. She never got mad about the fact that she was dying. Because of this, I see death and life differently.
When I lost my job I didn't feel helpless or like I'd been screwed over. I looked at it as an opportunity to start my career as an interior designer. Little did I know that finding that job would bring out a side of me that I didn't even know was there. And little did I know that this side of me would cause serious issues in my marriage. This year has been roughest on my marriage. But as I was showing more confidence and happiness with myself, my husband didn't like the change. Anyway, things came out in arguments that made me realize everything I thought my life was, my marriage was, it wasn't. And now, I look at it so differently than I ever have before. And that scares me. Scares me a lot because I have no idea what the next step is, and I've always known what the next step is. I do know, I'll keep working to make it right.
I've been in pain all year, actually for a few years now, due to my uterus and right ovary. I had a hysterectomy scheduled for September but due to my mom's condition I cancelled the surgery and rescheduled it for a week before Christmas. My work schedule really only allowed for that week. Just another decision I had to make because of an event that I had no control over. This is what I do, I make changes, new plans, new ideas to fix whatever needs to be fixed. It's how I function and how I get by. It must be how I stay happy. Although I must say, this is the first year since 2001/2002 that I have not been happy. Now, I've had happy times this year. Brickyard, weddings (one wedding in particular), weekends with friends and great bands, and one really great weekend in Chicago with my husband. But I've spent most of the year sad, mad and upset about the events and happenings that I had no control over that it's really hindered my happiness.
Hopefully, the events of 2012 will be more upbeat. Hopefully I won't have to make major decisions based on things I have no control over. Hopefully I'll make the right decisions that will only make me and the people around me better, and happier. Hopefully, no one looks down on me or is upset with me because of the decisions I've made in 2011. Especially here at the end of the year. I've made great friends this year, and grown closer with family members. I really hope that the changes in myself haven't hindered their visions of me. I hope that the changes of myself haven't hindered the MY visions of me. So, goodbye 2011. I'll always remember you as the year I lost my job, my mom, my dog and my uterus.
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