The Wizard of Oz and My Subconscious

I should have known that I would have an addiction to shoes when I was young.  My favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz, and the whole premise of the movie is about the magic ruby slippers.  Alright, I know that's not really the premise of the movie, but I think my subconscious thinks that is the premise.  I mean, how many pairs of shoes do I need to buy before I find the magic ones?  And why, dear Lord, why do I continue to spend money I don't have on shoes I don't need?  And when will it stop?  I really do think The Wizard of Oz put some kind of notion in my mind that one day I will find magic shoes that will take me to a far off land and give me some great adventure.  I do mostly buy them when I'm feeling down.  Therefore, I bought a new pair again 2 weeks ago when someone reminded me of how broken I really am.  To my defence though, they were only $10 and may now be my favorite pair.  Who am I kidding...I don't have a favorite pair.  I love them all.  But really, if I'm standing at a clearance rack and there is ONE pair of black stilettos with silver studs left, and they just happen to be a size 7 and they're only $10, I'm so buying them.  They were meant for me to buy, and wear often.  Unfortunately, they are not magic shoes either.  They are just like the 75 other pair of stilettos I have in my closet. And no matter how many times I click my heels together, my shoes just get scuffed and I'm still standing in my bedroom.  Don't laugh at me...You know you've clicked your heels together hoping to be transported to another place too! 

Mother Teresa

I know, it's been a while.  I've been going through some stuff, (she says as she laughs out loud).  As you may well know, I'm in the middle of a divorce after 14 years of marriage.  If you didn't know and this is news to you, then you must be hiding under a rock or dealing with your own personal stuff.  As I do know that I have not paid much attention to anything but my "stuff" for a while, and if that's the case with you I completely understand.  Anyway, if you read my last blog, which I wrote in April, I spoke about how much hatred I had consuming me.  Well, I still have some hate, but it's no longer consuming me.  Maybe my grieving period has ended, or maybe I just have some great friends that really helped me pull through what I hope to be the toughest time in my life.  (On that note, special thanks to Lisa, Jolie, Cathy, Jessica and Doug, who I'm sure all thought I had completely lost it for a bit.)  And although I believe grieving and my friends do have a huge part in my recovery, a few weeks back I read something Mother Teresa said and it made me realize how much you can't control how other people treat you, you should be you anyway.  So, here is her quote for you to read and hopefully take to heart.

"People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.  If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.  If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.  If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.  What you spend years building, someone could destroy over night; Build it anyway.  The good you do today, people will forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.  Give the world the best you've got and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.  You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway."  -Mother Teresa

Now, when I read this I could immediately put peoples names in place of the word "people" and the statement would still be true.  I won't re-write it with those peoples names, but I'm sure you could do the same.  But more importantly, I use to be very forgiving, kind, honest and frank, and kept building a life I knew was being destroyed by someone else.  I did do good, without asking for recognition and I feel I was giving the world the best I had.  I didn't do these because I thought it was between me and God, I did these things because it was how I was raised.  Because it made me feel good to do them.  Because that's how God built me.  When my life fell apart, I became bitter and hateful.  And I felt I had to fight to keep these parts of me from dying.  I didn't want to be forgiving.  I didn't want to be kind.  I didn't want to build something.  And then, I read this statement and re-read this statement and re-read this statement.  And somehow, my old self peeled her way through the bitterness, madness, and hatred and here she sits typing her blog again.  Trying to be funny, and not really succeeding.  But still trying.  I am a better person now than before my life as I knew it was torn apart.  Better because I've not only seen hate, but I felt it.  And I know how bad it really feels to be bitter.  And I know I don't want to be like that.

Hate

I had no idea that I could be capable of the amount of hate I have inside me right now.  I just read my last blog from 2011 and in it I talk about how bad the year was for me, and how I am optimistic and see the good in people.  Well, that attitude pretty much screwed me over in the first quarter of this year.  My husband has left me for another woman.  Only, he's been lying to me about it for months.  He tried to make me think it was my fault he doesn't love me anymore.  It is so not my fault.  I am very concerned about myself now.  Like I said, I didn't know I could hate like this.  I'm not a hateful person, but right now hate is consuming me.  I've been praying, and maybe that's whats keeping me from completely snapping.  Although if any of you saw me a the bar the other night, you probably thought I'd snapped then.  I spent the day yesterday in bed, not sulking in my misery, but just trying to figure out how not to hurt someone with the hate that was filling my insides.  I hate him.  I hate her because she knew he was married.  I hate him for doing this to his family.  For leaving me to handle the kids and stress they are going through.  And this is a legitimate hate.  There is no other word for it, and I don't even know if hate is a big enough word for how I feel.  I've always been forgiving, not forgetful but forgiving.  I've done nothing but good things for my marriage.  Stood by my husband in tough times, supported him in his career, dealt with his drinking and gambling and planned all of the events that we did together to keep our marriage strong.  Why does he get to do this to me, to our family?  Why does he get to walk away from us, leave us suffering and not suffer himself?  I have no more sadness, and I am past anger, all there is for him and his new girlfriend is hate.  So, does anyone have any advice on how to keep the hate from consuming me?  Prayer is good, but is there anything else? 

New Year...

I’m reading a new blog.  It’s my friend Cathy’s new blog.  We’ve been friends since, well, since forever.  And although we haven’t seen each other in a while, (mostly because we live in different states, but also because I haven’t made the time to go see her and she never lets me know when she’s in town) we are still friends and support each other in the things we do.  She was with me when I got my first tattoo.  As a matter of fact, it was my 19^th birthday present from her.  And I still have it! (haha, that’s funny because tattoos don’t go away or get lost, get it?)  Anyway, she’s started a new lifestyle and has been blogging about this new life.  And no, when I say lifestyle, I don’t mean she’s decided to become a lesbian.  She’s happily married with a son.  She has changed her diet and started exercising.  When we were in high school, we were both a size 3.  And we were very hot.  We were so hot that guys didn’t ask us out because they were afraid we’d say no.  Or at least that was what we told each other when we were sitting in her living room watching Wayne’s World on a Friday night. 

All of her excitement about loosing weight and getting healthy has made me want to start doing yoga again.  I’ve been wanting to do yoga again for a while, but it was too painful with my uterus and ovary issues.  Now that those problems are out of my body I’m ready to get back to that size 3.  OK, OK, I’ll never be a size 3 again.  My hips can’t fit into a 3 because my kids were over 9lbs when they were born and stretched them out.  But I can get into a 5/6.  To be honest, I’d like to just fit comfortably in my size 8 as it is that they fit but are a bit snug. 

On another note, I was reading through my blogs from last year and they were not so funny.  And I did promise that this would be a funny blog.  So, as long as no one dies, I don’t lose my job and I don’t have to have any major organs taken out this year, then all new blogs will make you laugh.  Or at least smile J.

Timing is everything...

Things happen in our lives which cause us to have to make large decisions that will affect everything and everyone in our lives.  God chooses the timing of these events and then we need to choose the timing of when to make the responsive decisions to such events.  I have had a lot of events happen in my life this year.  I have had to make a lot of decisions due to these events.  And all of these events and decisions have changed who I am, what I believe, and how I look at the world in general.  But my basic beliefs are the same.  I've always been a good person, without trying.  I see the good in people, the good in the situations at hand, the optimistic point of view.  That core is still inside me, and will always be there.  I will always take in a friend in need if I feel that friend will pull him/her self out of spot they are in.  I will always try to make my marriage work, as everyone makes bad decisions and I know I'm not perfect (close to it, but not quite there yet, lol).  I will always uphold the rules I've set for my children and continue to raise them to be good hearted, polite and smart.  But some of the things that have happened this year have made me see the world much differently than I did before 2011.  The death of my mother took a toll on me, and although I looked like I held it together in public, in my bedroom, the bathtub and my car I have had a hard time.  My mom saw angels in her last 24 hours of life.  She wasn't afraid to go, she just didn't want to leave here.  She lived a hard life, most of which I don't think she was really happy.  She started praying a lot when her 5th husband died.  She found love again and spent the last 10 years of her life with him.  When she was diagnosed with cancer she really leaned on God.  And although she was sad, she also may have been the happiest I've ever seen her.  She never got mad about the fact that she was dying.  Because of this, I see death and life differently.

When I lost my job I didn't feel helpless or like I'd been screwed over.  I looked at it as an opportunity to start my career as an interior designer.  Little did I know that finding that job would bring out a side of me that I didn't even know was there.  And little did I know that this side of me would cause serious issues in my marriage.  This year has been roughest on my marriage.  But as I was showing more confidence and happiness with myself, my husband didn't like the change.  Anyway, things came out in arguments that made me realize everything I thought my life was, my marriage was, it wasn't.  And now, I look at it so differently than I ever have before.  And that scares me.  Scares me a lot because I have no idea what the next step is, and I've always known what the next step is.  I do know, I'll keep working to make it right. 

I've been in pain all year, actually for a few years now, due to my uterus and right ovary.  I had a hysterectomy scheduled for September but due to my mom's condition I cancelled the surgery and rescheduled it for a week before Christmas.  My work schedule really only allowed for that week.  Just another decision I had to make because of an event that I had no control over.  This is what I do, I make changes, new plans, new ideas to fix whatever needs to be fixed.  It's how I function and how I get by.  It must be how I stay happy.  Although I must say, this is the first year since 2001/2002 that I have not been happy.  Now, I've had happy times this year.  Brickyard, weddings (one wedding in particular), weekends with friends and great bands, and one really great weekend in Chicago with my husband.  But I've spent most of the year sad, mad and upset about the events and happenings that I had no control over that it's really hindered my happiness. 

Hopefully, the events of 2012 will be more upbeat.  Hopefully I won't have to make major decisions based on things I have no control over.  Hopefully I'll make the right decisions that will only make me and the people around me better, and happier.  Hopefully, no one looks down on me or is upset with me because of the decisions I've made in 2011.  Especially here at the end of the year.  I've made great friends this year, and grown closer with family members.  I really hope that the changes in myself haven't hindered their visions of me.  I hope that the changes of myself haven't hindered the MY visions of me.  So, goodbye 2011.  I'll always remember you as the year I lost my job, my mom, my dog and my uterus. 

Emotional Rollercoster of a Year

Well, here we are in the last week of what is probably the crappiest year of my life.  I lost my job, my mom, my dog, my uterus and the year took a beating out on my marriage.  But I gained great friends, a great new career and a college degree.  Ups and downs.  Tears and laughs.  But I must say I can't wait for this last week to be over with and a new year to start.  I know that the start of a new year doesn't bring new joys or make the bad go away, but I can hope right? 

My daughter turned 13 today.  She has a boyfriend of 2 months now and she likes him a lot.  She is finally becoming comfortable with growing up.  She started her period the same day I was having my hysterectomy.  How strange is that?  Of course she has an attitude from hell, but she's also talked to me more in the past 2 months than she has in a year.  She has lots of questions about the feelings she has for her boyfriend.  Half of me wants to tell her to run in the opposite direction every time he talks to her and the other wants to embrace her new maturity level.  Of course I go for the later and push the "run" idea to the back of my mind. 

My son is very concerned about me and my surgery.  He asked me if I only had one abdomen now.  So I explained to him that I have 1 ovary and no uterus.  And then had to explain to him that boys don't have those organs and such.  Then he says "oh yea, we talked about that in sex ed this year."  Glad to know he was paying attention.

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with myself since I won't have class anymore.  6 years, non stop, at least twice a week I was driving up to the north side for classes.  Now I don't have to do that anymore.  I can officially call myself an interior designer.  Now, if I can just find some clients...

Not the same person anymore...

I have changed.  Actually, I have changed a lot over the past 15 years.  If you knew me in high school, then you know I'm not the same person.  I use to be very optimistic and naive.  Most of the time people liked my innocence.  And sometimes people would take advantage of it.  Like when I was working for a certain shoe store (did you expect that my first job would be anywhere else?  That's one thing that hasn't changed, my love for shoes.), and my co-workers would leave messes knowing I would clean it up and not say anything.  Or my boss would assume I would just take care of the things that he didn't, like paperwork.  But I think for the most part, at that time in my life, people liked me because I was nice and good and probably made them feel smart.  Then I got married and had a child and I changed.  Having a baby makes you see the world in a completely different way.  Then, I moved, a lot, all for my husband's career.  He made the money and I took care of the family, so we took every promotion that came our way.  But one move didn't go so well and I was blind sided by life.  Lots of bad things happened and I wasn't ready for any of those things because I assumed that my perfect world would always be perfect.  I was wrong.  So, my optimism went away and I only saw the negative things in life.  I was mad at everything.  I was on anti-depressants.  Then one day, I was drying off after getting out of the shower and looking at my size 2 body in the mirror I got mad at myself because I didn't like who I had become.  I didn't have any friends because I didn't trust anyone.  I just got up everyday and did what I had to do so I could go back to bed that night.  I decided I didn't want to be like that anymore, so I made some changes.  And after 4 more years, finally got to a place where I liked myself and had friends and enjoyed my kids and my husband.  I had fully forgiven the world for dropping a bomb on me.  And that's where I've been for the past couple of years or so.  Very happy for the most part. 

But this year has been rough.  I lost my job and my mom.  My daughter is going through puberty and doesn't like me much.  I've missed most of my son's baseball and football games because of my new career.  I do however, LOVE my new career.  It is what I've been going to school for 6 years to do.  But it has caused some issues in my life because of the changes a new career brings.  And this week I had another bomb dropped on me.  I once again assumed that my perfect world couldn't be disrupted.  I had handled losing my job by finding a new job in just 5 weeks.  I've handled losing my mom pretty well for the most part.  And I've adjusted to my husband taking over with the kids.  So, I figured the worst was behind me and I would work through the rest.  But not everyone feels the same way.  And sometimes it only takes one comment to break you.  I am broken.  I've recovered in the past from being broken by something someone else did or said.  Not sure that's going to happen this time. 

When someone says something so hurtful that it crushes you, how do you come out of that?  I'm not going to reveal who said what to me, but I don't know that I've ever had anything so mean said to me before.  And I'm second guessing things.  Is this person right by what they said?  Are these changes in my life right at this point in time?  Should I just be mad at this person, and maybe not even be friends with them anymore?  Or should I hold my ground because of how hard I've worked to get where I am?  But most of all, what do you do when someone you trust hurts you so badly?  Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will ALWAYS hurt you.  And change you.