The Wizard of Oz and My Subconscious

I should have known that I would have an addiction to shoes when I was young.  My favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz, and the whole premise of the movie is about the magic ruby slippers.  Alright, I know that's not really the premise of the movie, but I think my subconscious thinks that is the premise.  I mean, how many pairs of shoes do I need to buy before I find the magic ones?  And why, dear Lord, why do I continue to spend money I don't have on shoes I don't need?  And when will it stop?  I really do think The Wizard of Oz put some kind of notion in my mind that one day I will find magic shoes that will take me to a far off land and give me some great adventure.  I do mostly buy them when I'm feeling down.  Therefore, I bought a new pair again 2 weeks ago when someone reminded me of how broken I really am.  To my defence though, they were only $10 and may now be my favorite pair.  Who am I kidding...I don't have a favorite pair.  I love them all.  But really, if I'm standing at a clearance rack and there is ONE pair of black stilettos with silver studs left, and they just happen to be a size 7 and they're only $10, I'm so buying them.  They were meant for me to buy, and wear often.  Unfortunately, they are not magic shoes either.  They are just like the 75 other pair of stilettos I have in my closet. And no matter how many times I click my heels together, my shoes just get scuffed and I'm still standing in my bedroom.  Don't laugh at me...You know you've clicked your heels together hoping to be transported to another place too! 

Mother Teresa

I know, it's been a while.  I've been going through some stuff, (she says as she laughs out loud).  As you may well know, I'm in the middle of a divorce after 14 years of marriage.  If you didn't know and this is news to you, then you must be hiding under a rock or dealing with your own personal stuff.  As I do know that I have not paid much attention to anything but my "stuff" for a while, and if that's the case with you I completely understand.  Anyway, if you read my last blog, which I wrote in April, I spoke about how much hatred I had consuming me.  Well, I still have some hate, but it's no longer consuming me.  Maybe my grieving period has ended, or maybe I just have some great friends that really helped me pull through what I hope to be the toughest time in my life.  (On that note, special thanks to Lisa, Jolie, Cathy, Jessica and Doug, who I'm sure all thought I had completely lost it for a bit.)  And although I believe grieving and my friends do have a huge part in my recovery, a few weeks back I read something Mother Teresa said and it made me realize how much you can't control how other people treat you, you should be you anyway.  So, here is her quote for you to read and hopefully take to heart.

"People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.  If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.  If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.  If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.  What you spend years building, someone could destroy over night; Build it anyway.  The good you do today, people will forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.  Give the world the best you've got and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.  You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway."  -Mother Teresa

Now, when I read this I could immediately put peoples names in place of the word "people" and the statement would still be true.  I won't re-write it with those peoples names, but I'm sure you could do the same.  But more importantly, I use to be very forgiving, kind, honest and frank, and kept building a life I knew was being destroyed by someone else.  I did do good, without asking for recognition and I feel I was giving the world the best I had.  I didn't do these because I thought it was between me and God, I did these things because it was how I was raised.  Because it made me feel good to do them.  Because that's how God built me.  When my life fell apart, I became bitter and hateful.  And I felt I had to fight to keep these parts of me from dying.  I didn't want to be forgiving.  I didn't want to be kind.  I didn't want to build something.  And then, I read this statement and re-read this statement and re-read this statement.  And somehow, my old self peeled her way through the bitterness, madness, and hatred and here she sits typing her blog again.  Trying to be funny, and not really succeeding.  But still trying.  I am a better person now than before my life as I knew it was torn apart.  Better because I've not only seen hate, but I felt it.  And I know how bad it really feels to be bitter.  And I know I don't want to be like that.

Hate

I had no idea that I could be capable of the amount of hate I have inside me right now.  I just read my last blog from 2011 and in it I talk about how bad the year was for me, and how I am optimistic and see the good in people.  Well, that attitude pretty much screwed me over in the first quarter of this year.  My husband has left me for another woman.  Only, he's been lying to me about it for months.  He tried to make me think it was my fault he doesn't love me anymore.  It is so not my fault.  I am very concerned about myself now.  Like I said, I didn't know I could hate like this.  I'm not a hateful person, but right now hate is consuming me.  I've been praying, and maybe that's whats keeping me from completely snapping.  Although if any of you saw me a the bar the other night, you probably thought I'd snapped then.  I spent the day yesterday in bed, not sulking in my misery, but just trying to figure out how not to hurt someone with the hate that was filling my insides.  I hate him.  I hate her because she knew he was married.  I hate him for doing this to his family.  For leaving me to handle the kids and stress they are going through.  And this is a legitimate hate.  There is no other word for it, and I don't even know if hate is a big enough word for how I feel.  I've always been forgiving, not forgetful but forgiving.  I've done nothing but good things for my marriage.  Stood by my husband in tough times, supported him in his career, dealt with his drinking and gambling and planned all of the events that we did together to keep our marriage strong.  Why does he get to do this to me, to our family?  Why does he get to walk away from us, leave us suffering and not suffer himself?  I have no more sadness, and I am past anger, all there is for him and his new girlfriend is hate.  So, does anyone have any advice on how to keep the hate from consuming me?  Prayer is good, but is there anything else? 

New Year...

I’m reading a new blog.  It’s my friend Cathy’s new blog.  We’ve been friends since, well, since forever.  And although we haven’t seen each other in a while, (mostly because we live in different states, but also because I haven’t made the time to go see her and she never lets me know when she’s in town) we are still friends and support each other in the things we do.  She was with me when I got my first tattoo.  As a matter of fact, it was my 19^th birthday present from her.  And I still have it! (haha, that’s funny because tattoos don’t go away or get lost, get it?)  Anyway, she’s started a new lifestyle and has been blogging about this new life.  And no, when I say lifestyle, I don’t mean she’s decided to become a lesbian.  She’s happily married with a son.  She has changed her diet and started exercising.  When we were in high school, we were both a size 3.  And we were very hot.  We were so hot that guys didn’t ask us out because they were afraid we’d say no.  Or at least that was what we told each other when we were sitting in her living room watching Wayne’s World on a Friday night. 

All of her excitement about loosing weight and getting healthy has made me want to start doing yoga again.  I’ve been wanting to do yoga again for a while, but it was too painful with my uterus and ovary issues.  Now that those problems are out of my body I’m ready to get back to that size 3.  OK, OK, I’ll never be a size 3 again.  My hips can’t fit into a 3 because my kids were over 9lbs when they were born and stretched them out.  But I can get into a 5/6.  To be honest, I’d like to just fit comfortably in my size 8 as it is that they fit but are a bit snug. 

On another note, I was reading through my blogs from last year and they were not so funny.  And I did promise that this would be a funny blog.  So, as long as no one dies, I don’t lose my job and I don’t have to have any major organs taken out this year, then all new blogs will make you laugh.  Or at least smile J.