I have changed. Actually, I have changed a lot over the past 15 years. If you knew me in high school, then you know I'm not the same person. I use to be very optimistic and naive. Most of the time people liked my innocence. And sometimes people would take advantage of it. Like when I was working for a certain shoe store (did you expect that my first job would be anywhere else? That's one thing that hasn't changed, my love for shoes.), and my co-workers would leave messes knowing I would clean it up and not say anything. Or my boss would assume I would just take care of the things that he didn't, like paperwork. But I think for the most part, at that time in my life, people liked me because I was nice and good and probably made them feel smart. Then I got married and had a child and I changed. Having a baby makes you see the world in a completely different way. Then, I moved, a lot, all for my husband's career. He made the money and I took care of the family, so we took every promotion that came our way. But one move didn't go so well and I was blind sided by life. Lots of bad things happened and I wasn't ready for any of those things because I assumed that my perfect world would always be perfect. I was wrong. So, my optimism went away and I only saw the negative things in life. I was mad at everything. I was on anti-depressants. Then one day, I was drying off after getting out of the shower and looking at my size 2 body in the mirror I got mad at myself because I didn't like who I had become. I didn't have any friends because I didn't trust anyone. I just got up everyday and did what I had to do so I could go back to bed that night. I decided I didn't want to be like that anymore, so I made some changes. And after 4 more years, finally got to a place where I liked myself and had friends and enjoyed my kids and my husband. I had fully forgiven the world for dropping a bomb on me. And that's where I've been for the past couple of years or so. Very happy for the most part.
But this year has been rough. I lost my job and my mom. My daughter is going through puberty and doesn't like me much. I've missed most of my son's baseball and football games because of my new career. I do however, LOVE my new career. It is what I've been going to school for 6 years to do. But it has caused some issues in my life because of the changes a new career brings. And this week I had another bomb dropped on me. I once again assumed that my perfect world couldn't be disrupted. I had handled losing my job by finding a new job in just 5 weeks. I've handled losing my mom pretty well for the most part. And I've adjusted to my husband taking over with the kids. So, I figured the worst was behind me and I would work through the rest. But not everyone feels the same way. And sometimes it only takes one comment to break you. I am broken. I've recovered in the past from being broken by something someone else did or said. Not sure that's going to happen this time.
When someone says something so hurtful that it crushes you, how do you come out of that? I'm not going to reveal who said what to me, but I don't know that I've ever had anything so mean said to me before. And I'm second guessing things. Is this person right by what they said? Are these changes in my life right at this point in time? Should I just be mad at this person, and maybe not even be friends with them anymore? Or should I hold my ground because of how hard I've worked to get where I am? But most of all, what do you do when someone you trust hurts you so badly? Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will ALWAYS hurt you. And change you.
